


English Girls, Approximately

by pythia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - Hollywood, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo Pain Train, Ben Solo is Ryan Adams, F/M, Mentor!Jyn Erso, Minor Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso, Reylo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2018-11-28 14:26:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11419890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pythia/pseuds/pythia
Summary: Rey is the personal assistant for actress and philanthropist Leia Organa.  Sometimes her job involves sitting with her boss while Leia smokes a joint or going with her to the U.N. in a power suit. Rey's job has nothing to do with Ben Solo or the messes that he makes.English Girls Approximately Soundtrack on Spotify





	1. Portions for Foxes - Rilo Kiley

**Author's Note:**

  * For [second_chances](https://archiveofourown.org/users/second_chances/gifts).



> This fic is dedicated to Second Chances, who wrote the amazing fic [Overnight Sensation](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7827907) that got me into this ship exactly a month ago. She has created a Reylo monster by generously sharing fic recs, play lists and chatting with me about Star Wars. 
> 
> Thank you to HerSisterskeeper for the encouragement and for beta reading a fic for a total stranger. You are the best!
> 
> Please send prompts, constructive criticism to [my main tumblr](http://pythiawrites.tumblr.com). Thank you for reading!
> 
>    
> [English Girls Approximately Soundtrack on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/pythialistens/playlist/2t5YyTFRiohxjFJJTuhrZ6?si=6aOBx10KS3yehgUDwxHeQA)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben grunted and put his seatbelt back on, rage rolling off him in giant waves, like the high tide after a storm. “Where did they pick you up? Is there like a store where they go to find English girls who like to ruin my life?”

Leia Organa held a joint loosely between her thumb and forefinger, smiling at Rey over the top of her undoubtedly expensive, retro-looking sunglasses. “I know this wasn’t what you were expecting when Finn and Poe brought you to me, but you have to admit, it’s pretty fun.”

The older woman took a long drag before pushing up her sunglasses. “Make sure that you eat lunch sometime today; I don’t want you fainting tonight because it’s going to be a long one. Make sure you wear comfortable shoes.” 

Rey nodded, feeling each of the three small buns along the back of her head bounce up and down. She glanced over the day’s to-do list before exiting the beautiful pool area where Leia sat eating a leisurely lunch and smoking a joint. 

Rey’s life was pretty fun, but also pretty weird. Sometimes, her job involved sitting with Leia while rolling her joints that treated her migraines or going with her to the UN to advocate for children in a power suit. Tonight, however, she was heading to a silent auction to raise money to pay for a youth leadership summit in Kyoto. All in a day’s work.

Six months ago, Rey had been a newly minted Master of Arts, with no idea what to do next. When she’d finished undergraduate, the economy had been in a tailspin. With no jobs on the horizon, Rey started graduate school, hoping for a sunnier economic future in two years. The clouds of the Great Recession parted in a gloriously dramatic manner when Finn and Poe Facetimed Rey to offer her a job.

“Rey Bae!” they shouted into the phone, faces wreathed in matching smiles pushed close together. 

“We need to get you here to Los Angeles. Our boss needs you,” Finn said breathlessly. “Look, Leia just let most of her staff go because they leaked a bunch of stuff about her family, and she needs an assistant that is trustworthy. She needs someone that doesn’t give a shit about her fame or any of that other stupid stuff. Leia wants someone that cares about people and is ready to work to make things better for everyone.”

Poe nodded sagely, dark curls bobbing up and down. “I’ve known Leia since I was a little kid, and she’s a good woman who just sometimes has bad shit happen to her. I think you’d be good for each other, and I know you just graduated. Come to LA and work with us.” 

Looking around at the tiny, hot apartment in Arizona, Rey knew that they were right. Leia Organa was a legendary actress and philanthropist whose no bullshit attitude made her the hero of every feminist over the age of 15.

Rey loaded her car with her few possessions and drove all night to Los Angeles to start her new job. Finn and Poe hadn’t really mentioned that working for Leia wasn’t just a job, it was more of a lifestyle. Rey’s wages included a small apartment in Leia’s guesthouse, just above where the formidable Jyn Erso and her small staff ran Leia’s charity, The Rebel Alliance. The days started early, and the nights were always long, but Rey couldn’t remember a time when she smiled or laughed so often. 

As she entered the cool of Leia’s kitchen, she decided she would take Leia’s advice seriously and wear a pair of flats with her dress for tonight. 

She spotted Jyn heatedly arguing into her cell phone. It was never good when the Englishwoman started yelling or taking calls in the main house instead of her office. She raked her hand through her greying brown hair and tore it out of her trademark bun, only to then immediately start redoing it with the phone cradled between her shoulder and ear. Another bad omen. Something was very wrong, and it probably had to do with Leia’s son, Ben.

For the last six months, Ben’s incidents had been small things, like trashed hotel rooms or yelling obscenities at reporters trying to take his picture outside whatever venue his band had been playing at. Whenever Ben fucked up, he opted to call Jyn -- his mother’s partner in crime from a misspent youth -- rather than a lawyer. Rey couldn’t really blame Ben; Jyn was the sort of adult that she would have loved to have known growing up. She was a mix of delicate beauty and hardened soldier. Jyn knew what it was like to live hard and fuck up even harder.

She looked extremely unhappy as she hung up the phone. She turned to face Rey and began typing a text message on her phone.

“Good, you’re here. I need you to get your car keys and drive to the address that I’ve just sent you. You need to pick Ben up and bring him back here. Don’t let him give you the slip. The reporters don’t know your face or your car, so they’ll just think you’re an Uber driver.” Jyn thrust a large bottle of water and a handful of granola bars into a plastic bag and handed it to Rey. “He’s going to be angry and hungover. Just give him shit. I’d go myself, but I have a conference call in 15 minutes.”

Rey gaped at Jyn, something she did often as the former sergeant both impressed and terrified her in equal measures. Rey had never met Ben Solo, only seen the photos of him hanging around the house and office. That was going to make this little trip awkward.

“Oh god, you’ve got a list, don’t you? Tonight’s silent auction? Give it here, and go see to whatever he’s done this time. BB and Kay will work on it while you're gone.” Jyn snatched the list out of Rey’s hands and kissed the top of her head, “You’ve got this.  I just wish he’d stop tearing himself apart.”

Rey left the kitchen as her phone chimed with an incoming text message, probably the address from Jyn. She heard the older woman place another call: “Poe, I need all hands on deck. The Prince of Darkness will be here shortly and in a mood.” There was a bark of laughter from Jyn as Rey collected her keys and headed out to her rust-colored SUV. Today was going to be another strange day working for Leia Organa.

40 minutes and one Starbucks stop later, Rey was idling in a parking space outside an average-looking apartment in Northern Los Feliz and waiting for Ben Solo to make an appearance. She had googled photos of Ben while waiting for her Starbucks. He mostly went by his stage name, Kylo Ren, and seemed to be into the whole black-clothes-hipster thing. The minutes ticked by as Rey worked through half of her iced coffee, an expensive habit she’d picked up after realizing that iced coffees were something she could now afford as an adult with a full-time job.

Finally, a dark shape appeared in Rey’s peripheral vision. Someone yanked on the handle of her car, peering into the interior. Suppressing a yelp, Rey unlocked the door and watched, fascinated, as Leia’s son carefully folded himself in without a word. 

He pushed the seat back to allow for his long legs, then grabbed the bottle of water from the plastic bag at his feet. Cracking the bottle open and taking a pull, Ben Solo finally turned to face Rey. “So, who exactly are you?” His voice was a low rumble. It was hard to gauge his mood with the dark sunglasses obscuring his face.

Rey sighed, locking the door before backing out of the space. “I’m Rey Niima, Leia’s PA.” She turned out of the complex and took another drink of her iced coffee before studying Ben Solo out of the corner of her eye. He was slouched in the seat, with stubble covering his cheeks and throat. He smelled like cheap cigarettes, sweat, and misery.

“Ahh. Jyn’s using Leia’s entourage again, after they cleaned house?” Ben huffed in annoyance and pulled out a sleek smartphone from the pocket of his black, hooded sweatshirt. “You made a wrong turn. My house is in Malibu.”

“Nope. I didn't make a wrong turn; I’m supposed to take you back to Jyn at the house.” Rey eased her foot onto the brake as the traffic light went from a stale green to red with barely a flash of yellow.  _ Typical Los Angeles _ . She took another sip of her drink, again watching Ben as he put away his phone and undid his seatbelt.

“That wasn’t the deal. I’ll just get out here.” He tried the handle of the passenger door, only to have it not open. “Unlock the door.”

“I can’t do that. I've enabled the child lock. You’re either getting out of the car at Leia's house, or at the Los Feliz police station. You pick.” Rey tried to keep her voice normal as she flipped on the radio to a top 40 station. Ben Solo was massively tall and massively pissed off at Rey. It was unnerving, but she was going to give him shit, just as Jyn had directed.

Ben grunted and put his seatbelt back on, rage rolling off him in giant waves, like high tide after a storm. “Where did they pick you up? Is there like a store where they go to find English girls who like to ruin my life?”

Rey chuckled darkly and turned up the music. It was clear that Ben Solo wanted to distract or unsettle her. That wasn't going to happen: she had a half-full iced coffee and a decent song playing on the radio. Ben Solo would arrive safely in Beverly Hills, even if she had to knock him out to get it done. Letting down Leia or Jyn was not something that she wanted to consider. 

There was another deep, angry sigh from the passenger seat, and Ben leaned his head against the passenger side window. All the fight seemed to have drained out of him. It would be a long drive back to Leia's.

Ben seemed to have a knack for knowing exactly when Rey was starting to relax and using that moment to reach over and try to disable the child lock. He wasn’t suicidal, making attempts only when the car was stopped at a light or stuck in traffic. On the third attempt, Ben’s forearm brushed against Rey’s chest. Unsure of what to do, Rey looked at Ben’s long fingers scrabbling for the lock, at his arm brushing against her left breast, and licked his exposed forearm. 

He immediately jerked his arm back as if he’d been burned. “What the actual fuck? You licked me.”

“Yes, I licked you. Every time you went for the lock, your arm brushed against my breasts. You are lucky I didn't bite you,” Rey replied sharply, as she popped the top of her cup and began to chew on the melting ice. She stuffed the cup back into her cup holder as the light turned green.

“I read somewhere that chewing on ice indicates sexual frustration.” Ben’s tone was conversational in a way that made Rey want to disable the child lock and toss him out of her car while driving very fast.

“Please stop speaking about my sexual frustration.” Rey immediately regretted that response, as Ben Solo seemed like the type who’d bring this conversation up on a daily basis until she finally murdered him for being a complete wanker. 

Ben chuckled, a low, knowing sound. He didn’t say a word for the rest of the ride, even when Rey pulled into the driveway of Leia’s estate. Ben leaned across Rey, without touching her, and disabled the child lock before clambering out of the car. 

Rey groaned and laid her head on the steering wheel.

There was so much yelling. Leia, Jyn, and Ben were all shouting at each other with impressive amounts of passion and volume. Their shouts reverberated through Leia’s Spanish-style house, decorated with an impressive array of objects from her fascinating life. 

Rey settled herself at the dining table, pulling out her gold colored laptop and Leia’s planner, and began to work on Leia's correspondence. The hours ticked by, and the house gradually grew quieter, a sign that Leia had either settled down for a nap or was working feverishly on a project.

Rey stood and stretched, figuring that Leia, like herself, would forget to eat something before the silent auction. She puttered around the kitchen, putting fresh fruit, cut vegetables, hummus and pita chips on a tray. Adding a can of sparkling water and a flower from the poolside garden, Rey trooped upstairs to Leia’s room. She found the door open and the empty room bathed in the golden hues of the late afternoon sun.

Setting the tray on Leia’s writing desk, Rey sent Leia a text message reminding her about the auction at 7 pm. She then went into the dressing area to pull out the outfit her employer had selected earlier in the day. There were a few items of clothing scattered on the floor that Rey automatically picked up and tossed into the hamper. She straightened a few bottles on Leia’s vanity and turned to leave, only to find Ben Solo in the doorway. Standing face to face with him, Rey became very aware that he was a foot taller than her and slightly damp as if he’d just showered.

“Can I help you?”

“There's no hair dryer in the guest bathroom. I came to borrow Mom’s.” Ben’s tone was sort of flat and cool, making Rey believe that he’d been just as surprised to see her in Leia’s bathroom as she’d been to see him. He sounded peculiar - like he was trying to play it cool. 

She was reminded of the awkward interactions she’d had at university before Finn and Poe took her under their wing. Rey looked Ben in the eyes and squinted. The guy was totally inscrutable. She looked away from his dark eyes and found herself focused on Ben’s shoulders where rivulets of water dripped from his hair onto his heather grey t-shirt. She wondered why he’d bothered to put on a shirt to search for a hairdryer.

“Well, good luck, this is the best place to find one. If you'll excuse me, I need to make sure Leia eats before the auction.” Rey brushed past Ben without a second look, retrieving the tray and heading into Leia’s office. She felt slightly shaky, as if she’d been walking and missed a small step walking down a flight of stairs. It was probably the coffee she drank earlier, making her empty stomach jittery from the caffeine.  
  



	2. California Numb (Acoustic) - CLOVES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The child locks have been disabled for this chapter.

Rey didn’t speak to anyone new that night because the idea of trying to make friends right then sounded exhausting. Poe and Finn would just have to be disappointed and show Rey their “I am disappointed and adorable” faces in retaliation. Rey sat alone outside Leia’s pool, staring at the fairy lights in the backyard reflecting on the water’s surface. Everyone else had either turned in for the night or gone home.

She tried to push down the bright flare of sadness she’d felt when Finn and Poe left together for a late-night dinner. They were in love, even if they were too silly to see it. Everyone else saw it. Chewbacca, Leia’s service dog for her anxiety, was probably rooting for them too. Even so, they had both seemed genuinely sad that Rey wouldn’t come with them. To Rey, a crowded L.A. restaurant sounded like the worst place in the world, even with amazing company like Finn and Poe. She liked people but sometimes, on nights like this, she missed the her small village on the edge of the desert.

Since finishing undergraduate and then graduate school, her social media feed was a continuous stream of marriages, reunions, and births. To an outsider, Rey’s feed was glamorous, following in the wake of Leia Organa and her trendsetting, world-changing friends. In reality, Rey had no idea what she was doing. So far, though, having no plan was working out. Rey was in Los Angeles, sitting beside a beautiful pool on an incredibly comfortable lounge and enjoying the silence after a night of endless chatter. Rey closed her eyes and remembered the meditation exercises she'd learned with her foster mother, sitting in their house, waiting for the relentless desert sun to move lower in the sky.

There was a sudden scraping sound, metal against concrete, and Rey opened her eyes to find Ben Solo unsuccessfully trying to navigate around Leia's outdoor furniture. “Can I help you there?” She sounded tired and more than a little done to her own ears, so it had to sound incredibly rude to him. They’d just met, and he didn’t know that she was just tired, not the rudest woman on the planet. Then again, he’d done little to ingratiate himself to Rey, so it probably worked out in the end. It was a miracle that Leia hadn’t woken up.

“No, no. I just came out here to think. Can I sit here? I don’t want to bother you.” Ben sounded a bit tired and worn down. 

Rey shrugged and gestured with a nod over to the lounge next to her. “Sit away--it is technically your house. I just work here.” 

He lowered himself into the chair, still wearing the same grey t-shirt from earlier.  
“I didn’t want to get too close. You did lick me earlier today,” Ben said seriously, staring up at the sky rather than looking at Rey.

“Well, you did not want to come here, nor accept that I had locked the child locks. I didn’t want to just bite you without a fair warning,” Rey looked at Ben, admiring the constellation of freckles going down his throat, disappearing past the collar of his shirt. There was an evil part of Rey that wondered if they went all the way down. Flushing, she looked up at the night sky, thinking of how few stars shone in Los Angeles. She felt a sneaking suspicion that Ben was now looking her over carefully, making his own assessment.

“Leia said that you grew up in a village in Tunisia. I’d imagine that Los Angeles is a bit of a change for you. Do you miss it there?”

Rey turned her head and found Ben looking right at her, grateful the flush that had started earlier had faded. “I do miss Tunisia, and I miss Grenada, where we lived when Sabine took me to Spain to officially adopt me and sit exams so I could go to university. We sort of grew up together. She was about 25 when she found me.”

Ben grunted. “She found you just out there in the desert? Doesn’t that bother you?”

Rey sighed. “I suppose that it all sounds awful to you, but who’s to say what a bad childhood looks like? Everyone has a traumatic childhood, one way or another.” She looked back at Ben, who was staring into space. “Hey, are you ok?”

He looked back at Rey, their eyes locking and holding each other’s gaze for longer than was normal. They just stared at each other, as if they hadn’t seen the other before. The silence between them grew with each breath until Ben looked away, standing abruptly. “I need to get into the studio. I need to record something.”

Rey nodded slowly, raising her eyebrows and looking up at Ben. “Okay then. Good night.”

He shuffled for a moment. “It’s okay, I feel it too.”

Before Rey could even respond, Ben’s long legs had taken him across the patio and to the back door that he closed behind him without a backward glance. Ben Solo was incredibly weird. What did he even mean by “I feel it too?” Did he mean the awkward silence that came after she’d spilled her guts about her childhood? God only knew. Poe wanted her to speak with new people. Rey had certainly spoken to someone new, and now she wanted to go and hide.


	3. English Girls, Approximately (Live at Carnegie Hall) - Ryan Adams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Play this song, by Ryan Adams, and you'll understand everything.   
> [English Girls Approximately Playlist on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/pythialistens/playlist/2t5YyTFRiohxjFJJTuhrZ6?si=zA1tAs2NSEiQywwyCuByZA)

“Tell me that you listened to Ben’s new song? You know, the one that’s all over the radio?” Finn was breathless and a bit sweaty around his temples, as if he’d run all the way to Leia’s house. 

Rey stood at the kitchen island, waiting for her second cup of coffee to come out of the Keurig. “Well, I listened to it last week, when he emailed it to me. I guess it’s really different from his other stuff? Kind of country? But not? Is that what he was doing in the basement? I haven’t seen him since that first day when I picked him up for Jyn.” Rey tried not to squirm, thinking about their last conversation by the pool. 

After Ben’s strange and hasty exit, Rey had made an effort to make herself scarce whenever he was around. He’d stayed around Leia’s estate, despite his best efforts to ditch Rey as she drove him from the scene of his latest meltdown. As far as she knew, Ben had locked himself in the basement recording studio and hadn’t emerged for the last week. The only contact that she’d had with Ben was an email with the subject “Listen” and an unnamed mp3 file. She’d been humming the song under her breath since then; it was a bit of an earworm.

Finn pulled out his phone and started rapidly texting Poe, presumably, who was out back in Jyn’s office.

Minutes later, Poe entered the kitchen through the back door, clutching his phone and looking excited, his gaze moving back and forth between Finn and Rey. “She doesn’t know? Rey, how can you not know?” He started scrolling through his phone and punched a button on the screen. “Just listen, and no one is allowed to talk.”

Poe’s orange and white mobile phone began to play Ben’s new song, obviously edited and polished. The version that Rey had heard the week before was unpolished, just a recording of Ben on vocals and guitar. Other than the polishing and the addition of some other instruments, the song was basically the same. 

The song finished, and Rey rolled her eyes. “What’s there to know? He sent me this song last week. That was just him and the guitar. This version is a bit more polished, but it’s basically the same.” 

Finn choked, and Poe looked like he was about to break into gales of laughter.

“Rey, the song is called English Girls, Approximately. Did you not listen to the lyrics? English girls can be so mean? The whole thing about being a tall drink of water? This song is about you.” Poe looked at Finn and they both began to cackle; clearly, Rey’s confusion was hilarious to them both.

Rey simply glared at them. “There are millions of English girls in Los Angeles, and I’m not really even English. Sabine is English, and she’s the one that taught me English. I’ve never even lived in England.” She sighed deeply and glared at the two men. “You’re seeing things that aren’t there.”

Finn and Poe continued to laugh as Poe played the song for the second time. 

Maybe Rey did need to speak to new people, make some new friends in Los Angeles, since these two were doing her no good right now. She continued to scowl at her friends over the rim of her coffee cup, as Poe insisted on playing “English Girls, Approximately” for the third time. Rey listened to the lyrics carefully and felt her stomach begin to churn. Maybe in like a weird, alternate universe, this song was about her. Actresses like Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman had songs written about them. But Rey was not that kind of woman. She was a personal assistant with a ton of student debt.

“Look, Frank Turner wrote a bunch of songs about a girl named Amy, who isn't even real. This song could be about anyone or no one. Have you asked Jyn? She’s actually English and mean, in like a good way.” Rey tried not to squirm as the song finished and Poe made a move to restart it. 

At that moment, Leia entered the kitchen, dressed for pilates and a run. Finn and Poe immediately stopped talking, making the silence even more obvious and awkward.

“Good morning, Leia! How did you sleep?” Rey asked as she pulled a reusable bottle from the refrigerator and a sheet of paper from the counter. “Here is today’s schedule. Mostly phone meetings and revisions for your editor. You're also meeting some people for dinner tonight.”

“I slept fine, thank you, Rey. I'm more interested in why these two are looking at us like we're a piece of surrealist art.” Leia took a sip of water, leveling a look at both Finn and Poe, who immediately deflated like two cartoon balloons.

“Nothing, Leia, we were just teasing Rey and trying to get her to go out with us. Peanut just hangs around here and works on bikes with Jyn when she's got some time off.”

Leia narrowed her eyes at Finn. “Sure. She should probably get out more. Meet people.” She smiled at Rey in a way that was too knowing, because Leia always knew, she always found out. 

Rey was completely screwed. Was that even a bad thing?


	4. Do I Wanna Know? - Arctic Monkeys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Standing at 6’3” with a curtain of dark hair, moody glares, and a speaking voice reminiscent of a growl made by a feral animal, Kylo Ren is not an easy interviewee. He switches between several different personalities over the course of our interview, each adding equal amounts of confusion and clarity to my driving question - who the fuck is Kylo Ren?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to [Second_ Chances](http://greyjedireylo.tumblr.com) for the encouragement, play lists and letting me spam your messenger. Thank you to [ HerSistersKeeper](http://hersisterskeeper.tumblr.com) for the excellent beta, and for forgiving me all my comma related sins. Thank you so much! 
> 
> Everything that you read here is based around the singer Ryan Adams, whose music, career and general shenanigans inspired this take on Kylo/Ben.

Rey grew up in a small village in rural Tunisia where there were more sand dunes than people. For ten years, her entire world was 50 people in the village where Sabine lived when she’d found Rey as a child. Rey played with the other children, went to the village school and was a happy child, despite living a poor, hard lifestyle. As an anthropologist, Sabine was committed to not disrupting the lives of the people she lived among, so her laptop and internet connection for sending correspondence on her studies were “grown up toys.” Arriving in Spain at 15, Rey was shocked to discover that people could just search each other on the internet and find out everything. It was the first of many shocks for Rey that followed her well into her adulthood.

Her scalp itched... Rey ignored the impulse to scratch at the trio of tiny buns down the back of her head or redo her hair, instead continuing to stare at the search page on her laptop. She couldn’t just search for Ben Solo on the internet to see if “English Girls, Approximately” was about her. Finding out his secrets online just felt wrong, even if it was totally normal for some people. The cursor blinked in the search bar as if each pulse was telegraphing her computer’s dismay at her cowardice to seek out answers.

After Finn and Poe had disappeared back into their offices, she had listened to Ben’s song again. Once it finished the first time, Rey set it on repeat and kept listening to it for the better part of an hour, carefully scanning notes that Leia had made to a script with her phone before adding them to the digital copy. It was mindless work, but it let her think about the blinking cursor in the search bar.

It was totally normal to search people online. If Rey wanted to know about Ben, she didn’t need to embarrass herself by asking Finn or Poe about him. Rey could just look it up, like everyone else in the world. She tried to imagine asking Leia about her son and shivered because Leia seemed to just know things. Like in the kitchen earlier, when her boss had just known that they were talking about Ben’s song. 

Rey finished typing Leia’s comments, attached the scanned notes, and emailed it off. She looked at her inbox, the desktop background a photo of Grenada from Sabine’s balcony. Sighing deeply and checking behind her to make sure that no one was looking, Rey typed “Ben Solo” into the search box. She would read an article or two about his band, just to see how different the song was from his other work. It probably wasn’t that different anyway; Finn and Poe loved to tease her.

It was a downward spiral of privacy invasion. Rey found herself completely engrossed in an article from about a year earlier entitled “Who the Fuck is Kylo Ren?” Next to the headline was a picture of Ben, sweaty and red-faced, screaming into a microphone.

Born Ben Organa-Solo to actress/activist Leia Organa, Ben Solo was a child prodigy, graduating from high school at 15 to study at the prestigious Berklee College of Music. In his third year, Ben Solo was kicked out of Berklee for his involvement with the fatal overdose of a friend and fellow student on campus. After serving six months in prison, he resurfaced as Kylo Ren, lead singer of the punk band Knights of Ren. Prior to this interview, I was briefed by Ren’s manager and publicist about his preferred name. “Don’t call him Ben or refer to him as Ben Solo. If you do that, we walk.” Preference noted and now officially in the public record.

Standing at 6’3” with a curtain of dark hair, a plethora of moody glares, and a speaking voice reminiscent of a growl made by a feral animal, Kylo Ren is not an easy interviewee. He switches between several different personalities over the course of our interview, each adding equal amounts of confusion and clarity to my driving question - who the fuck is Kylo Ren? During the interview, Kylo Ren mostly seems to be a Serious Musician, keeping the conversation focused on his band’s new album, “Starkiller.”

Ren shows me around his studio inside his Malibu home, and it isn’t until about 30 minutes into the interview that I realize he has managed to successfully interview me, rather than answer any of my questions about his album. “I don’t really have much of a personal life, at least not one that you would find interesting.” Kylo shrugs shyly, brushing his trademark long, dark hair out of his eyes to give me the tiniest flash of an impressively large set of ears. They humanize him for a moment, just before his first verbal thrust (one of many) during the interview. “I get that you want to talk about the drugs, or me throwing people out of shows. What can I say? I did a lot of speedballs, I drink too much, and I don’t like it when people just fuck around on their phones when they could be enjoying a show. No one is going to look at that shitty video on your Instagram.”

There’s also Famous Kylo Ren, known for his drug-fueled antics, cheeky cover songs, and bitter rivalries, the most significant with singer/songwriter Armitage Hux. Hux signed to First Order shortly after the Knights of Ren released their first album, “Murderers, Traitors, and Thieves.” A fast friendship dissolved into a volatile relationship that included Ren smashing a soundboard up with a baseball bat.

This version of Kylo Ren emerges when walking down to his basement studio, as we both looked at his prodigious collection of awards. When asked about it, Kylo said, “At a certain point, these things don’t really mean anything, unless you’re the record company, making all the money. I’m not hurting or anything, obviously, but after a while, it's like I can just take whatever award I want. A lot of being famous or successful is like that, taking what you want.”

Rey stopped reading the article and realized that she was breathing heavily like she’d been spooked by someone coming around a corner. The person in these interviews -- who trashed hotel rooms, who took drugs that sounded terrifying, and who was so hostile -- was not someone Rey wanted to know. Even the interviewer, who was being paid to write about Ben and his music, had difficulty writing nice things about him. Rey shook her head and finally shut off “English Girls, Approximately.”

Why would someone so awful write a song about her, Rey Niima? It didn’t make any sense. It might have been inspired by her accent and their strange conversation by the pool last week, but Rey was certainly not the unknown woman that Ben wanted to confess his love to. Finn and Poe were half-right: the song was inspired by her accent, but the final product was about someone else.

Rey closed the interview with Ben/Kylo and checked her email. No new messages. The last email she had been sent was from Ben, his rough recording of “English Girls, Approximately.” It had been a week, and she hadn’t responded, which was probably rude. Then again, she had licked his arm and locked him inside a car. Not responding to an email that didn’t even ask for a reply wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

Ben hadn’t even written a note, just the subject line, “Listen.” Nothing else, not even a friendly “let me know what you think.” If the song was about her, Ben would have asked for a response. So, it wasn’t about her, and Rey should just stop feeling weird about possibly running into Ben.Everything was fine. 

Suddenly, the basement stairs creaked. The only person down there was Ben. Without thinking, Rey closed her laptop, fleeing the kitchen to her apartment in the pool house before the basement door even opened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [English Girls Approximately on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/pythialistens/playlist/2t5YyTFRiohxjFJJTuhrZ6?si=AbETz46RRJmp8BO_0JDkgw) | [my tumblr, come say hi](http://pythiaspeaks.tumblr.com)


	5. Get Better - Frank Turner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, Ben spent had spent a week writing feverishly, locked away in Leia’s studio. No one knew what he was doing, until “English Girls, Approximately” was put out on Spotify and Ben’s twitter. 
> 
> That small detail made Rey feel both excited and queasy, thinking about the email sitting in her inbox. It was like the Tell Tale Heart, beating out an incriminating tattoo through the speakers of her laptop every time she listened to that first rough cut of the song.
> 
> God, Ben was some kind of crazy. He had massive problems and was the sort of person who put their feelings out there for everyone to see. A crazy person who liked her enough, after a day, to write a song about her. Fuck. This was trouble. He was trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to **Second_Chances** and **HerSistersKeeper** for all the love and encouragement. Learning to write fiction is very scary for me, as I've learned about my strengths and weaknesses as a writer. Each chapter has gotten easier to write knowing that I have you guys as beta readers and as friends in the Reylo fandom.

Leia was in a closed-door meeting with studio types all day, so Rey found herself without anything to do for a whole Friday. Finn and Poe were still working, so Rey was totally alone. Sleeping in wasn’t an option as she was awake at five am sleep nowhere to be found. Her dreams for the last three weeks had been troubled, jumbled images of sex, violence, and romance. She was tired, and done with feeling unsettled and jumpy.

Her restless nights and jumpiness could be clearly traced back to Ben, stupid Ben Solo. Stupid Kylo Ren. He’d left Leia’s house two days ago, after the repairs to his house in Malibu were finished. The night before Rey had picked Ben up in Los Feliz, he’d trashed his home studio in a fit of pique. His record company, First Order, had rejected his latest album with the Knights of Ren because it didn’t have a single song that would work on the radio. Naturally, the best way to deal with blood-sucking record executives was to trash your own studio. For the second time.

Phasma, the band’s producer and Ben’s co-writer, poured him into an Uber, taking him back to her apartment in Los Feliz to sleep off his rage. That’s where she’d met him, hung over and angry. Apparently, he’d spent that week writing feverishly, locked away in Leia’s basement studio. No one knew what he was doing, until “English Girls, Approximately” was put out on Spotify and Ben’s twitter. Even in his lowest, shittiest moments, Ben still wrote music. 

That small detail made Rey feel both excited and queasy, thinking about the email sitting in her inbox. It was like the tell-tale heart, beating out an incriminating tattoo through the speakers of her laptop every time she listened to that first rough cut of the song.

She lay there in her bed, with nowhere to go and no one to see. Rolling over, Rey saw that it was only 5:30. 30 minutes. She had only been awake for 30 minutes, and she still had a whole unscheduled day in front of her. For the first time in six months, Rey was alone and actually feeling lonely. How did one go about making friends in an unfamiliar city as an adult? She only knew people through work. Maybe she should just try to sleep.

Five minutes later, she gave it up and dragged herself out of bed. The only thing that sounded good to Rey was taking her motorcycle out for a very long ride. 

During the first week of work, Rey had walked on pins and needles around everyone that wasn’t Finn or Poe. Sensing Rey’s discomfort, Leia announced that they were going out for dinner and made Rey drive to Echo Park, directing her to a pretty blue house with a lush, green yard surrounded by a white picket fence.

In the driveway crouched Jyn Erso, scowling as she worked on a motorcycle. Jyn stood and wiped her hands on an extremely dirty towel. “Cassian! Looks like we’ve got two more for dinner.” There was a cheerful shout from the kitchen, and just like that, Rey became a regular for their Friday night dinners.

Finn and Poe had initially grumbled about the hours that Rey spent on the weekends with Jyn restoring an old Honda that Rey had found on eBay. Those grumbles turned to good-natured teasing after they’d each gone on a ride with Rey, taking to the speed and freedom. Finn’s whoops of joy made Rey grin as she gunned the engine. Poe had been much the same, only after the ride, he had made Rey promise to teach him how to drive one. She hadn’t kept that promise yet, but she would when they had the time.

It had been at least two weeks since Rey had gone on a ride with no particular destination in mind. Today, she’d ride along the coast and see what she could find. At dinner, Jyn and Cassian often talked about their own bike trips, but Jyn always seemed to come back to their rides up the coast, heading north towards San Francisco. Jyn had a soft smile on her face whenever she talked about riding through the Central Coast. It seemed like a good destination, further than she would normally go, but Rey didn’t really have any plans for Saturday either. Dressing in jeans, boots and a leather jacket, Rey climbed onto her bike and peeled out of Leia’s driveway, heading for Wilshire Boulevard.

Rey’s first bike was an ancient Honda Super Club that had belonged to her elderly neighbor, Mariona. It was in poor condition, barely maintained, and Rey fell madly in love with it. It took several weeks of ordering and scavenging parts, but Rey got the bike working. When she wasn't in class or asleep, Rey was driving through Andalucia, getting to know her new home. That was also how Rey intended to get to know California. It seemed only right.

She had been riding north for an hour in stop and go traffic, watching commuters grow increasingly frustrated. To Rey, the traffic seemed pretty normal for rush hour in southern California. Waiting at a light, her stomach started to rumble, and the beginnings of a caffeine headache began to set in at the base of her neck. She needed to eat and get some coffee before her day was cut short.

Sighing at the delay, Rey turned off the 101, stopping at a shopping center with a cheery cafe advertising breakfast burritos and coffee. Pulling off her helmet and shaking out her ponytail, Rey walked into the cafe and seated herself at a booth by the window. Putting her feet up on the seat in front of her, Rey browsed the menu until she felt someone standing next to her. She looked up, thinking it was the waitress coming to take her order. 

It was not the waitress. It was Ben Solo, standing next to her table like it was the most normal thing in the world. Fuck.

He gave her half a smile and sat down without a word. 

Rey stubbornly kept her feet propped on the bench next to Ben, her brain going back to her strange, dark, dreams. 

“Nice boots. Are you going to Sturgis or something?” He signaled the waitress, who smiled at him warmly and brought him an oversized glass of ice water.

She huffed slightly and nodded to her bike out in the parking lot. “I’m taking my bike up to Big Sur. I have today off and nothing scheduled.” Ben nodded, and Rey went back to browsing the menu. She retreated into silence because she still didn't know what to say to Ben. It had been weeks of silence, so it probably didn’t matter.

Their food eventually came, and they ate in silence. It wasn't awkward; it was the sort of silence that came over libraries and offices when everyone was in their own world, working through their problems. Rey figured that Ben Solo/Kylo Ren probably needed years of quiet time to work through his problems. She would probably need to take a vow of silence to figure things out after this incredibly strange breakfast.

She drained the last of her coffee and signaled for her check. Her waitress nodded in understanding, her curly, red ponytail bobbing. Ben stared off into space, slowly eating the last of his breakfast. Wordlessly, Rey slipped off to the bathroom. Splashing water on her face and patting it dry with a paper towel, Rey stared at herself in the mirror.

She was still the same person, just a little worn around the edges from sleeping poorly for a fortnight. In many of her dreams, Rey was held against a broad chest by masculine arms, as they coaxed her to a shattering orgasm. She would wake up with a snap, buzzing with spent desire and a growing sense of shame.

“You are not going crazy,” she told her reflection before leaving the bathroom. Rey’s reflection looked tired and unconvinced.

At the table, Ben sat drumming his fingers against the scarred wood. He looked up at Rey and smiled as she picked up her helmet. 

Rey smiled back, an automatic response that was interrupted when she noticed that he’d paid her bill.  
“Thank you for breakfast. I appreciate it.” She stood awkwardly with her helmet balanced against her hip. Rey was painfully aware of how silly she looked in her leather jacket and boots, like a suburban girl playing dress up. Jyn had taken her shopping for them, cautioning her to always dress appropriately for a ride. Function over fashion. Seeing pictures of a younger Jyn in her battered fatigues, Rey had wished for some of Jyn’s toughness and grit.

“No problem.” He nodded at her and continued to awkwardly drum on the table. “Rey? Can I come with you? Or at least get a ride home? I walked here to try and get out of my head. I couldn’t just stay there and not go crazy. I live five minutes away, just on the next street.” Ben seemed hesitant, as if she would laugh hysterically at his request. 

It would be smart to just let him walk home, back to his ridiculous mansion. It was probably all angles, chrome, and glass: a bachelor pad for someone who didn’t want to have a home. But his exhaustion and vulnerability just did something to Rey.  
“Do you have a leather jacket? And good boots? There’s a lot of gravel on this stretch.” Rey turned from Ben and walked towards the door to hide her flushed cheeks. There was just no controlling herself, whether awake or asleep. Leia had told her once to “stay afraid, but do it anyway” shortly before going out with her on the red carpet for the first time. Poe had been away on a family emergency, leaving Rey to step in for the event. 

She wasn’t sure if Leia would be amused or upset that Rey was applying that same advice in reference to her troubled son. Deeply troubled son. She dithered at the entrance, pushing the door open a crack before looking at Ben over her shoulder. “I have another helmet under the seat; come on.” Rey didn’t look back again to see Ben’s reaction. She didn’t need to know.

Ben’s house wasn’t the modern bachelor pad on the beach that Rey had pictured. Instead, it was warm and inviting. It was a house meant for a family, and it struck Rey as an odd choice as she leaned against her bike, waiting for Ben to retrieve his jacket. 

Ben emerged from his house wearing sunglasses and a vintage-looking jacket, zipping it all the way up to his throat. He gave Rey a small smile, Adam's apple bobbing nervously, taking his helmet off the seat and putting it on. 

She tried not to think about that small smile, slinging herself back into the seat and feeling Ben climb on behind her. He hesitantly put his arms around her waist, and Rey sighed in frustration. She grabbed his hand and pulled him closer, his chest against her back.  
“Don’t get shy on me. I drive fast, and I don’t need you falling off the back.” Her tone was gruff, and before Ben could respond, Rey started the bike and shut off the Bluetooth microphones in their helmets. They didn’t need to talk.

They rode for three hours without a word. Rey had given up on having the microphones shut off about an hour into their ride, realizing it was childish and unsafe. She switched them on, the telltale chime of the Bluetooth connection coming through their headphones. Even after that, Ben stayed silent. She guessed he was also just caught up in watching the scenery. They’d passed through Santa Barbara and Pismo Beach, and Rey made the executive decision to keep following the coast. Feeling her legs begin to cramp, they would make a quick stop at Dog Beach Cayucos, just off the road.

“Ben, we’re gonna stop here and stretch, ok?” Rey slowed the bike and turned into the parking lot, mostly empty since it was the middle of a work day. She shut off the bike, feeling Ben untangle his arms from around her waist and slide away. Rey couldn’t help but miss his warmth as a gust of wind blew off the ocean. She shivered and hoped it was just from the cold.

Wordlessly, they walked down to the beach, watching the locals with their dogs as their pets played joyfully in the surf. They sat on Rey’s travel blanket, passing a bottle of water back and forth between them. It hadn’t occurred to Rey not to crack open the seal, take a swig and pass it to Ben like it was normal to drink after a complete stranger. Gulls cried overhead, circling in a continuous search for food.

“Did you like the song?” Ben’s voice was quiet as he passed Rey the bottle, their fingertips brushing. The song wasn’t Rey’s first choice in conversational topics, but here she was, hours from Los Angeles, with nowhere to hide.

“Yeah, I really liked it. I listen to the rough cut more than the one that Poe played me.” Rey’s voice was slightly shaky, and she took a drink of water to keep herself from spilling her guts.

“Ah, Poe. He played you the radio version?” Ben’s voice was casual, but he was watching a black Labrador run in and out of the waves too closely, like it was the most important thing in the world. Ben was nervous too, and Rey wanted to laugh because she had no idea what to think.

“Yeah, he and Finn have been teasing me about it. Whatever. I do like the song. Thank you for sharing it with me.” Rey nodded to herself, as if admitting these things could make the awkwardness go away.

“I wrote it about you.” Ben fumbled for words, something Rey thought was impossible, given his career choices. “It was the child lock thing in the car when you drove me to Leia’s. I kept thinking about English girls being mean, particularly after Jyn ripped me a new one. You just gave me shit like I was just some idiot. I mean, I _am_ some idiot, but no really ever tells me that. It was nice, in a way.” He let out a breath and laughed at himself, clearly trying to break whatever tension he felt in that moment. 

Rey didn’t know what she felt, now that it was out there. That song was definitely about her, Rey Niima.  
“Don’t get too excited, Ben. I also like Taylor Swift.” She bumped her shoulder against his as an attempt at a friendly gesture, handing him the water bottle. Their fingers brushed again, and Rey spotted a flush around Ben’s earlobe. He was a grown man, but he was blushing like an embarrassed kid.

Admittedly, she was also blushing like an embarrassed kid. God, Ben was kind of crazy. He had massive problems and was the sort of person who put their feelings out there for everyone to see. A crazy person who liked her enough after a day to write a song about her. Fuck. This was trouble. He was trouble.

Rey stood up, brushing sand off of her jeans and stretching. “We should get back on the road-- it’s another couple hours to Big Sur.” She watched Ben clamber to his feet, and they shook out the travel blanket before folding it back into its ridiculously small pouch.

Once they were back on the bike, Rey felt Ben’s fingertips brush her neck, a feathery gentleness she didn’t expect out of someone whose hands were, frankly, massive. She felt herself flush, grateful for the tinted visor on her helmet.

“Sorry, there was just some sand there. That stuff gets everywhere.” His arms once again went around her waist, pulling himself closer to Rey.

“Not a problem. I grew up in the desert. I like the desert, but sand sucks.” Rey gunned the engine, and they sped out of the parking lot, Ben’s laugh torn from his mouth by the wind and the speed.

According to Rey’s GPS, heavy spring rain had washed out a bridge. They left the coast for the 101, and though she missed the smell of the ocean, the view was still beautiful. They practically flew through the towns, breaking the speed limit more than once, finally arriving in downtown Carmel a little after noon. It was a fun ride, with lots of hills, and almost a straight shot from the dog beach. Parking the bike, they both climbed off awkwardly, legs filled with pins and needles after such a long ride.

“Okay, I need to eat.” Rey looked around, searching for a restaurant that wouldn’t be too expensive or fancy. They had stayed quiet on the ride from Dog Beach to Carmel, only speaking on the headsets to point out a funny license plate or landmark. Their silence wasn’t awkward, but restful, each of them free to wander their thoughts.

Ben nodded, bending over and touching his toes. Not for the first time, Rey felt oddly dwarfed by Ben’s height. She wasn’t a short woman, more than a couple inches above average. It was a strange feeling; then again, strange feelings when around Ben seemed to be pretty much the norm, as far as she was concerned. Rey stashed their helmets under the seat and continued to look around for somewhere to eat. Using her phone would be easier, but Rey didn’t want to see if she had any missed calls or text messages.

Ben perked up, “Food truck!” He nodded toward the park across the street, where a shiny black and red food truck was parked. It turned out to serve Japanese food, and they leaned against the food truck, slurping down noodle bowls like starved children.

Rey tipped her bowl to her mouth and drained the last of the broth with a contented sigh. The bike ride had been an excellent idea, and Ben had been a good traveling companion. They seemed to have left any awkwardness back at Dog Beach. She tossed her chopsticks into the basket on the counter and the bowl into their recycling bin. Leaning against the truck, Rey closed her eyes, listening to the quiet hum of afternoon traffic and the birds singing. It sounded like Ben had finished his bowl since he’d stopped slurping his noodles.

“Rey, you’ve got a little thing.”

She cracked open an eye to see Ben still leaning against the truck, but he moved his index finger closer to Rey’s face. It was coming dangerously close to her mouth, and Rey bit the tip of his index finger without thinking.

“Ow, fuck! You bit me?” It came out as a question, followed by a disbelieving laugh. “Jesus.”

Rey flushed, wondering what the actual fuck was wrong with her. She just bit Ben right on the finger, like she was an overtired toddler. “I’m sorry… shit. I’m just not very touchy. I wasn’t expecting you to touch my face. Fuck, are you ok?” Rey scrubbed her face with her hands, willing the blush of embarrassment and the last ten seconds of her life to disappear. Fumbling in her pockets, Rey pulled out a pair of sunglasses and jammed them on her face.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just startled. I should have remembered that you bite. That was the first thing that you told me.” Ben shook his head, dark hair falling about his face. He looked at his finger closely and laughed.

Rey sighed deeply and shoved her hands into her jacket pockets. “I’m really sorry that I bit you.”

Ben bumped his shoulder against Rey’s. “I’m curious to see what happens if I buy you dinner. Buy you breakfast, and you take me on a road trip. Buy you lunch, and you bite my finger.”

She groaned, grateful that she’d put her sunglasses on to hide her embarrassed expression. She was clearly embarrassed, but Rey still didn’t want Ben seeing that much of her.

Ben grabbed Rey’s hand and pulled her away from the truck. “Come on, let’s go look at the mission. They have a museum. Maybe some culture will keep you from biting me again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, thank you, stranger, for reading my fic. The comments, kudos, and hits on the first four chapters have meant the world to me. I am new to writing fiction as an adult, and this has been a wonderful and scary process. Please feel free to leave me constructive feedback or suggestions for future stories. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope that you enjoy the story. 
> 
> [English Girls Approximately on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/pythialistens/playlist/2t5YyTFRiohxjFJJTuhrZ6?si=AbETz46RRJmp8BO_0JDkgw) | [my tumblr, come say hi](http://pythiaspeaks.tumblr.com)


	6. Come Pick Me Up (Live at Carnegie Hall)  - Ryan Adams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a problem for tomorrow. Today, she'd just enjoy the music.
> 
> _Come pick me up, take me out, fuck me up_   
>  [Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R4zIkYj-uA%22)

Chapter Six: Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams 

The last rays of sun disappeared into the trees as Rey pulled into the back drive. She and Ben had left Luke’s house late Saturday morning, after spending the night with him in Big Sur. Ben’s uncle was very sweet, making them dinner and letting Rey poke around in his bookshelves. It was a nice way to end their day together. 

Rey parked her bike, the ticking of the cooling engine the only sound in the backyard. Upon opening the gate, Rey found Finn and Poe sprawled on the lounge chairs by the pool. A discarded six pack lay on the concrete between them. Hearing the gate open, they stopped talking immediately.

"Rey! We've been waiting for you. Didn't you get our messages?" Poe's brow was furrowed; he was clearly worried about her. 

Finn rolled his eyes at Poe. "Obviously not, you can't text and ride a motorcycle. Check your phone, peanut." He rolled over to the opposite side of his chair and pulled a fresh beer out the cooler. He opened it and walked over to Rey, waiting for her to pull out her phone to read the missed messages. 

Sighing, Rey unzipped her jacket pocket and pulled out her phone. 

_Finn: Peanut, where are you? Jyn said you were on a bike trip and would be back today. Send me photos!_   
_Finn: Peanut, I guess you're having fun on your days off. Poe says have fun._  
Finn: Peanut, holy shit. Please call me.   
_Finn: Are you still with Ben? You've been papped. Please call me._

The last message was sent three hours before she dropped Ben off at his house. No one had been outside. Following the link that Finn attached to his last message, Rey began to scroll. There were photos were of their entire weekend. Someone had gotten photos of them walking around downtown Carmel, and, to her horror, the moment when she'd bitten Ben's finger while eating lunch. The website had captioned it as "a rare playful moment for Kylo Ren." Apparently, one of the photographers had also heard her speak, as the entire post was titled, "English Girl, Identified." She wanted to throw up. Shoving her phone back into her jacket pocket, Rey finally took her beer from Finn and took a large pull. 

Swallowing the last of the beer, Rey wiped her mouth and looked at her friends." It's not what it looks like. I don't know what it is, but it's not what they're saying."

Poe shot Finn a glare. "You just don't know a lot about him, and, well, Ben's got a lot of problems. He's probably not a totally bad guy, but he's just got a lot of shit following him around." 

Rey nodded slowly. "Believe me, I am aware of his problems. I've seen you and Jyn clean up his messes for the last six months. Those are just the problems that you know about because Ben or someone else called you. I don't think that this is all he is, but I also don't know who else he is, not really." Her stomach sank, and Rey couldn't help but look back at the last two days with regret. It was so fun in the moment, and now Rey would have to pay for it. 

Hours later, Rey stumbled into her house ready for bed with a sleepy Finn and Poe in tow. They collapsed like rag dolls onto her couch, obviously too far gone to drive home. Rey was also very drunk, but still a good friend, taking the time to set out a trash can and two bottles of water on her coffee table. 

Poe turned over and stared blearily at her, pupils dilated and speech slurred. "Rey, we love you lots. Don't worry about the photos. People will forget soon." 

She nodded, throat stuck and completely unsure what to say to anyone, including herself. She just shrugged, hoping that would be enough to explain her feelings. "Goodnight, Poe. Thank you. You're a good friend." 

It took her a long time to fall asleep that night.

____________

There was an odd feeling that Rey always got whenever someone was staring at her. It was an uncanny, creeping sensation, and that sensation pulled her out of sleep Sunday morning. She cracked an eye and saw Jyn Erso sitting on the end of her bed, fully dressed and drinking a coffee.

"Fuck," Rey moaned as she closed her eyes and threw an arm over her face. "You're here to fire me over the pictures. It wasn't what it looked like. I don't know what it was like, I already told the guys that, but I promise it wasn't that." She rolled over onto her stomach. "Can you at least help me pack? Fuck." The prospect of being homeless and unemployed was not terribly exciting, but it was probably well-deserved. 

Jyn laughed. "I'm here to take you three out to brunch. You're not fired. Leia thought the photos were quite good, and I'm impressed you made Ben laugh." 

Rey sighed, her swirling, panicked thoughts slowing down as she processed what Jyn had just said. She wasn't fired. Leia thought the photos were good. Jyn was buying her brunch. Her life was fucking weird. At least Rey was saving on grocery money. "Yeah, okay. Just let me shower. Sorry for freaking out at you." 

"It's fine. Believe it or not, feelings scare the shit out of me too. Ask Cassian about it sometime. He's got some fantastic stories. Then again, I've got a few good ones about him too." Jyn stood up and closed the bedroom door behind her. 

Rey removed her arm from her face and rolled over to check her phone. There were no text messages or Facebook notifications. It seemed that the photos hadn't penetrated her circle of college and graduate school friends. Sighing in relief, Rey opened her email. Waiting in her inbox was an email from Ben. Just as before, there was no message. Only two untitled mp3 files. She pressed play and listened, unsure of what Ben was about to drop into her lap.

The first was a soft ballad, just Ben on his guitar. 

Rey began to laugh hysterically and started the song again. It was “Blank Space”, a Taylor Swift song. It was also a confession. Was it Rey's own confession, or was it Ben's? Rey was too hungover and too emotional to even consider what was going on. 

She thought about Dog Beach, their walk around Carmel, and the dinner they had had at his Uncle Luke's house in Big Sur. They'd stayed up late talking, but Rey turned in around midnight, leaving Ben alone in Luke's living room.

Curious, Rey opened the second file, and there was a little bit of laughter at the start of the track. It was Luke and Ben, laughing together about something before a bluesy harmonica began to play. Again, it was Ben and his guitar, only this time with the harmonica on the refrain. This song was a clear invitation. Rey just didn't know how to respond. She'd think about it later She paired her phone with her Bluetooth speaker and headed into the bathroom. This was a problem for tomorrow. Today, she'd just enjoy the music.


	7. Not Yet - Juliana Finch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _My mouth is lying, but my heart is true -- when they ask me what I think of you._
> 
> [Not Yet](https://open.spotify.com/track/7ngk3CH2bqmCHwbN8BTVXF?si=XLYeIZ_OSFq-eEBmGC7ZEg) \- Juliana Finch. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you to HerSistersKeeper for the beta.

It had been three days since Ben had sent her “Blank Space” and the other song she’d been calling “Come Pick Me Up.” During those three days, Rey had thought over their conversation on the couch a million times. It was one of those moments that Rey recognized as being really romantic only after the fact. Luke’s house was mostly windows, starlight pouring into his living room as if they had moved the couch outside to stargaze. She thought about their conversation over and over again, like a flagellant trying to pay penitence for their sins. 

“You know we’ve never really talked, right?” Rey was nestled into the grey cushions of Luke’s couch, trying to see how Ben would react. They were total strangers in many ways. Most of what Rey knew about Ben came from articles that she’d found online. He wasn’t even Ben Solo in those articles, he was Kylo Ren, the train wreck musician with more enemies than friends. 

Ben just shrugged, totally unbothered. “You mean small talk. I’m not good at small talk.” He was curled up on the opposite end of Luke’s couch, wearing a borrowed t-shirt and a pair of loose pants. 

This version of Ben, barefoot, unguarded, and easy, was someone new to Rey. So far, she had met flirtatious Ben and hungover and rude Ben. Rey idly wondered how Ben categorized all of her moods and aspects of her personality. She huffed and smirked at him., “Now you’re going to tell me that you only do big talk and want to discuss Descartes or something.” Rey had studied at a very nice liberal arts college for her undergrad. In her classes, she’d found a lot of brooding young men that wanted to “just get to the real stuff,” which seemed to be code for “skip getting to know each other so we can just fuck.” Rey had even fallen for it once, as a sophomore. Now in her mid-20s, Ben seemed to be running lines from their undergraduate script. It was almost funny. 

He frowned and faced Rey. “No, I just don’t like people. Most people aren’t really listening, they’re just waiting for their chance to speak. That’s why I don’t, you know… talk to people.” He gestured at the empty space between them as if to explain himself more fully. 

Rey just raised her eyebrows in question, trying so hard not to laugh at Ben’s struggle to explain himself. 

“Fine, what’s your favorite color?” 

She thought for a moment. “Definitely forest green. What’s _your_ favorite color?” 

“Black,” he answered promptly, without even really thinking it over. 

Rey tried to stifle a giggle. Of course black was Ben’s favorite color. Jyn liked to call him the Prince of Darkness or the Dark Lord. Rey tried to imagine a younger Ben clad in black clothing, scowling at Jyn and Leia as they teased him about his brooding. The photos that Leia had of him around the house always showed Ben smiling. 

“Shut up, Rey.” There was no heat to his voice; it was as if he’d heard this from her a million times before. Just another tired joke between old friends that was still amusing to just the two of them. He cracked his neck and shifted, trying to arrange his long limbs into a position that was actually comfortable. “Thanks for taking me with you today. I know that you weren’t expecting company, and I appreciate it.” Ben’s voice was soft. “I sometimes get stuck in my own head and do stupid shit. Well, you know. I’m sure you’ve heard from Jyn. I didn’t want to be that guy today.” 

There was a lump in Rey’s throat, and she tried to swallow, flailing around in her head, trying to decide how to respond. Nothing came; it was like she had forgotten how to construct meaningful sentences. “Yeah, no problem. Anytime.” Rey stood up as if she was on autopilot. “I should get to sleep so I can drive tomorrow. I’ll see you in the morning.” 

Ben nodded, his brow furrowed as he watched Rey walk towards the empty bedroom Luke had shown her earlier. 

Rey didn’t look back until she was on the other side of the bedroom door. She locked it behind her.. 

She would have thought that she’d blown any chance with Ben after walking out like that, but his songs seemed to tell another story. It could also be the press; the photos had blown up online. Kylo Ren had never been linked with anyone that could have possibly been a romantic partner over the course of his 10 year career, which made the rumors about her identity even crazier. 

They had been really happy together that Friday in Carmel. They’d wandered around the mission's museum, and Ben told her about various parts of California history that he learned growing up. Rey was fascinated by the mission--it reminded her so much of Grenada that it made her both happy and sad. Spain wasn’t really home, not like Tunisia, but California felt like it could be her home, someday. 

With no destination in mind, they had wandered through the city, looking in random stores and art galleries as they walked. Further into town, there were more tourists, and Ben had occasionally looked uncomfortable as someone gave him a second look, trying to match a name to his face. No one really seemed interested in Ben, despite his celebrity. His reputation for explosive fits of anger and prickly nature seemed to keep anyone who recognized him away. It was nothing like going out with Leia, who seemed to be loved by everyone she’d ever met. Rey should have known then that it was too good to last. That no one was approaching them because they were too busy being assholes and taking their picture. They were both smiling in almost every photo. 

Rey didn’t mean to brood, but she was brooding. The happy brunch that she’d had with everyone last Sunday had done nothing to dispel the growing knot in her stomach. Cassian had come over with Jyn, and they found him with Leia, cooking up a storm as Leia watched with a mimosa in hand. Rey had stood next to Leia, hungover and embarrassed. Leia was always so kind and generous to her, and Rey didn’t really know how to act. Rey couldn’t exactly say, “Hi, Leia! Sorry that the semi-romantic weekend that I had with your crazy son got photographed by a bunch of paparazzi. I swear I didn’t sleep with him! We haven’t even kissed.” 

Leia had just greeted her hungover employees with smiles and kisses on their cheeks. It was a non-issue, just as Jyn had told her. Rey was the only one with issues, and it sucked. She hadn’t heard anything from Ben, and Rey didn’t know what to do. They weren’t quite friends, and emailing him after the photos felt strangely impersonal. She was _not_ getting his number from anyone either. If Ben had wanted her to call, he would have asked her to call. 

Throughout the week, Leia continued to be normal with Rey, even in private. 

They sat down to eat at a nice restaurant before they attended the season premiere party for Game of Thrones. Leia was not a big fan of the show, but she had worked on some of the scripts after their first couple of seasons had taken a lot of heat for their treatment of women and minority characters. She’d been very excited about her work, telling Rey, “We need to remind people that women can be dragons, just like men.” 

Their conversations were always easy and covered a range of topics, both personal and professional. It was exactly how Leia always talked to Rey. From Leia’s perspective, nothing had changed at all between them. If Rey was honest, she was only feeling awkward about Leia because she couldn’t bear to unpack whatever was going on with Ben. 

Once at the premiere, Rey remained a discreet distance behind Leia, guiding her from journalist to journalist on the red carpet. At one point, Leia handed Rey Chewbacca’s leash, and Rey accidentally stepped into a photo with Leia. She immediately took the leash and backed up several feet, hiding her face by staring down at Chewbacca, who gave her his best doggie smile. 

Poe should be the one with Leia at the premiere, but he was starting to move more of his responsibilities to Rey as he started to be more active in the charity work with Jyn. She just felt like an imposter, in her beautiful dress and flats, trailing behind one of the greatest living actresses in the United States. 

Staring down at Chewie’s doggie smile, Rey felt a prickle along her arms and neck, a sure sign that someone was staring She looked up but didn’t see anyone in the crowd looking at her. Ushering Leia away and onto the next journalist, Rey looked over her shoulder and spotted Ben giving an interview. He must have seen her before starting it. There was a part of Rey that was relieved to see him because there was a part of her that wondered if maybe she had just imagined this thing between them. 

The more sensible part of her was relieved that Ben was going to be busy for the foreseeable future so they wouldn’t be able to talk. He’d showered, shaved and put on a dark suit for the occasion. All the times that she had seen Ben before, he was always wearing his black hoodie and nursing a hangover. Now, he looked handsome and put together. Rey hadn’t really considered that Ben was an actual adult, with a career and responsibilities. That was a ridiculous thought because he was six years older than her and clearly an adult. He was so different from anyone else that had ever expressed interest in her before. 

Apparently, the journalist interviewing him said something funny because he smiled down at her, clearly charmed. Rey knew that smile and liked it. No matter how much she liked that smile, Rey was staring, and it had to stop because she was working right now. Not the best time to stare at your employer’s son across a crowded room. 

After 30 seconds, Rey gave the producer a nod, and the interview ended, the last one of the night. Rey breathed a sigh of relief as they walked inside and towards the bar. Impulsively, Rey looked back and saw Ben through the crowd, looking back at her. She turned away and walked inside, shivering at the chill of the theater’s air conditioning.

Leia seated herself and motioned to Rey to hand her Chewie’s leash. “So, my crazy son is out there, and you’re going to have to see him. Get us both drinks, because we’ll need them.” 

Rey stood there for a moment, unsure of how to react. She was certain that the expression on her face was pretty idiotic, but Rey turned around and went to the bar to get Leia’s drink. When she returned with only one, her boss frowned. 

“I told you to get a drink for yourself.” She motioned over a waiter with a tray of champagne flutes, taking one and setting it in front of Rey. “It’s not a snake, just drink it. Or at least hold onto it so you don’t talk so much with your hands. You do that when you’re nervous.” 

Looking Leia in the eye, Rey downed the entire flute in one gulp, breathing through her nose as she tried not to choke on the bubbles. She coughed a little and wiped her nose, as Leia chuckled. “Okay, done. I’m good.” 

Leia patted Rey’s hand and took a sip of her club soda with lime. 

Ben made his way inside about twenty minutes later with the other members of his band. 

Rey was still steady on her feet after her glass of champagne and considered this to be a victory. Maybe she and Leia could just slip out of the theater unnoticed without even talking to Ben. Seeing him reminded her that she needed to keep her distance - they were both working. 

She was mulling this idea over while Leia held court at her table, talking with several young actresses who were gleefully taking selfies with their idol. It was hard to say who was happier, Leia or the starlets, as they passionately discussed the gender wage gap, politics in Hollywood and how to push projects to cast minority actresses. The giggling and talking came to an abrupt halt, shaking Rey out of her thoughts as an awkward silence settled over Leia’s table.

“Hi, Mom, is it okay if I steal Rey for a second?” Ben was standing right behind her, and Rey had been so far away in her thoughts that she’d totally missed him walking up. Now, she was trapped and had nowhere to go. He put a hand on the small of her back and guided her away from the table. 

There was a burst of giggling and Leia’s laughter rang out like a silver bell. At least someone was having fun. 

Ben guided Rey to a small, high-top table at the back, where the lighting was dim and few people around. 

Rey had the ridiculous thought that it was incredibly romantic, being dragged away by someone in a nice suit to whisper in a corner. It was a shame that it was at a work party and that Leia was 10 feet away probably watching the scene unfold. With her luck, this would end up on someone’s blog before they sat down to watch the premiere. 

“Hey, how are you?” Ben put his elbows on the table, leaning in close to Rey. 

If she leaned in, they would be close enough to kiss. It was an insane thought, and now, all Rey could do was think about kissing Ben. He wasn’t Kylo Ren, the moody musician that she’d read about online and just saw outside giving interviews, so smooth on camera. Right now, he was Ben, Leia’s intense and strange son. He was the guy who wanted to ride her motorcycle and learned a Taylor Swift song to make her laugh. Instead of being tired and hungover, Ben looked happy and smelled like expensive aftershave - woodsy and dark. She felt completely and totally out of her depth in a way that was exhilarating, like taking a sharp curve on her bike. 

“I’m good, just tired. It’s been a busy couple of days for Leia. She’s starting some new writing projects, and there’s going to be some traveling too.” Rey found herself looking from Ben’s eyes to his mouth, a movement that was probably so obvious that she felt her cheeks flush. Looking down at her hands, Rey thanked the event planner for creating this dark corner. 

He swallowed nervously, drumming his fingers on the table top. “Look, I’m really sorry about the photos and that blog post. Poe said to just ignore it, and that it’d go away. Apparently, something big is about to happen that’s going to distract everybody for awhile.”

Rey really wasn’t sure what to say. She’d had an amazing day with Ben, and he seemed to genuinely like her. She swallowed and tried to look at Ben, deciding to study the pattern of freckles and moles running down his neck. Looking him in the eye was not a good plan. If she looked at him, Rey wasn’t sure what she would do or say. No one had ever prepped Rey for this scenario - pulled into a private conversation in a fairly romantic place with a handsome man that liked her. 

He ducked down, trying to catch her gaze. “Hey, Rey? Are you ok? Look, I am really sorry. I wish that it hadn’t happened. I hope you had as much fun as I did, and I hope that we can be friends. That you still want to be my friend.” 

Without a second thought, Rey pressed her mouth against Ben’s. Ben’s mouth was soft, and his lips tasted slightly like whiskey. Apparently, he had pre-gamed before coming. He didn’t move or react to her kiss. It was like she was Prince Phillip, trying to wake Sleeping Beauty with a kiss.

She pulled away, stung by his stiffness. Not exactly the reaction she was looking for. “I don’t think I’m interested in being just friends. If I’m really honest.” She laughed softly at her stupidity and turned away, just as the house lights flashed. “I gotta get back to work.” 

She pretty much ran away from Ben, in as discreet a way as she could manage. Rey didn’t look back, certain that her instinct to kiss a man who had just asked to be her friend was completely and totally wrong. Maybe Jyn knew something about how to read this kind of situation. She’d ask Jyn at dinner tomorrow when they were alone in the garage. Rey fought the urge to wipe her mouth on the back of her hand and rub her sweaty palms on her dress as she sidled up to Leia. “Hey! It’s time for you to get to your seat.” Rey kept her tone light and smile bright; after all, she was at a party. 

Leia stood up, gathering Chewie into her arms and looking over Rey’s shoulder. “What did you do to Ben? It looks he has a concussion.” 

Rey tried not to flush and look embarrassed, thinking about Ben not kissing her back. After everything, Ben didn’t kiss her back. God, what was she thinking? She wasn’t thinking at all. 

“Ben’s fine, Leia. I bet he’s just tired from the interviews or something. I’ll be waiting for you outside when it’s over. Do you want me to take Chewbacca?” 

Leia shook her head and put Chewie inside of her tote bag. “Make sure Ben isn’t on any drugs, ok? What a kid. My damn kid.” She kissed Rey on the cheek. “Go get a stiff drink, and eat some snacks.” 

Rey shook her head at Leia and started walking, searching for somewhere quiet to have her nervous breakdown. She spotted waiters going into the back and next to the kitchen door, to her delight, was a women’s bathroom. It was a time honored tradition to have a fit over someone in a bathroom at a party. If there was anyone in there, they’d completely understand her pain.

Once inside the bathroom, Rey checked to make sure no one else was using the toilet before staring at herself in the mirror. She looked quite nice, hair pulled partially back, and she was actually wearing makeup - a smokey eye that she’d learned how to do on YouTube. There was no obvious change in her, no outward signals that she had just suffered a mental break or had a rare sort of seizure that made a person kiss someone who wasn’t interested in them.

Still looking in the mirror, Rey pulled a face. “What the fuck were you thinking? Oh, wait, you weren’t thinking.” Her reflection refused to answer, and Rey was filled with frustration and embarrassment. She bent over, set her forehead on the edge of the porcelain sink and let out a moan. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Balling her first, she banged it on the counter for emphasis. “Fuck. I am an idiot.” Rey stood back up and looked at her reflection. “You are a moron, but the only moron that I have. You can do this. You can do this. Go be totally normal, and never tell anyone.” 

Rey paused for a moment and wondered when she started being the type of person that talked to herself in the mirror. Easy answer - Rey started being that person the first time she heard “English Girls, Approximately.” Stupid Ben. Stupid her. Rey smoothed her dress and nodded at her reflection. Rey could be totally normal because this was fine. She was fine. 

Turning from the mirror, Rey jumped in shock at seeing a tall, dark figure standing by the bathroom door. “What the fuck?!” Breathing rapidly, it took her a moment to realize it was Ben, and he was smiling, like he’d just seen something really funny. Apparently, he’d just watched her totally lose her shit in an empty bathroom because he hadn’t kissed her back. His reaction was to stand there and laugh. What an asshole. 

He leaned against the closed bathroom door and smirked at Rey. “So, what exactly was that?” 

“Nothing! Can you let me out, please?” Rey gestured at the door, trying to tamp down her feelings. She was fine. Cool and collected. 

Ben just smiled and put more of his weight against the door.

Rey sighed. “Ben, please move. Do you remember that I bite? Seriously, I need to get back out there, and I’m sure that someone else needs to use the bathroom.” 

“I definitely remember that you bite,” he replied, wiggling his eyebrows at her. “So, is this what women do in the bathroom? Perform soliloquies?” 

He was still smiling, and Rey wanted to punch him in the face repeatedly. Ben did not kiss her back, after everything and now he was making fun of her. He wasn’t an asshole, he was a bastard, all apologies to Leia. 

“Yes. That is exactly fucking right. That was from Hamlet, act three. You should move away from the door, let me out, and write a song all about it,” she snapped, marching over and shoving Ben away from the door. Well, she tried to shove him away from the door. It turned out that Ben was really hard to move. “Can you move? I need to get back to work.” Rey was tired, frustrated and embarrassed.

Ben reached out and gently touched her jaw. “Hey, come on, Rey. Don’t be like this.” 

She batted his hand away from her face and scoffed. “No. I am not like anything because I am fine. Well, except for being stuck in a toilet with you.” Rey tried to push Ben towards the wall and away from the door. He didn’t move an inch. 

He looked down at Rey, watching her shove at him like she was a precocious child. “Are you done pushing me?” 

“Fuck you, Ben. I have a really long night ahead of me, and I don’t need this right now.” Rey planted her feet and shoved Ben as hard as she could. One of his feet slipped, and Rey grabbed the door handle, flinging it open and nearly hitting Ben in the face. 

“Rey, you took me by surprise. Please, stop. I’m sorry I laughed at you.” He tried to take her hand, but Rey jerked away. 

“You weren’t the only one that was surprised. That’s what I get for drinking with your mom before we go to one of these things. I can’t hold my liquor,” Rey replied crisply, watching Ben’s expression go from soft and worried to completely stunned. 

“Have you been drinking? Is that why you kissed me, Rey?” His voice was small and more than a little sad. 

She laughed bitterly, all of her embarrassment evaporating. “Wouldn’t that be humiliating? If the only reason why I kissed you was that I was drunk? I guess you’ll never know.” Wrenching the door open, Rey went back out to the party and made her way back to the bar. 

Leia had said for Rey to have a stiff drink, and that was going to be whiskey. Top shelf. She plunked down at the bar and ordered, trying hard not to just throw half of it back like a college freshman who didn’t know any better. 

“Hey - she’s cut off after this, okay?” Ben was suddenly next to Rey, slipping the bartender a bill and looking at Rey. 

“Hey, yourself. Look, I am not about to get wasted over something stupid and trash something. I can’t afford to pay you royalties for playing one of your big hits, Kylo Ren,” she said, voice full of venom. It was the first time that Rey had mentioned Ben’s stage name, or even that she knew anything about his music other than what he’d sent her. Rey stood up and took her glass, avoiding Ben’s face. She had gone too far, and that was fine with her. Ben was an asshole who decided to go after someone that was clearly upset and tease them. 

Ambiguity was for amateurs and cowards. 

Rey made her way to a back table and flopped down with her tumbler of whiskey. The bartender had given her a double, and she silently thanked him, taking another sip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys!! I was planning on having them like, make out in the bathroom. I'll update this again on Saturday, I promise. [Send me prompts or music suggestions](http://pythiaspeaks.tumblr.com)! 
> 
> Before you go -- I am currently writing [Creative Differences](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11649522) with my wonderful beta, HersistersKeeper. She is writing all the Rey parts and I've been writing Ben bits. It's a total blast! Please check it out and give HerSistersKeeper some love, she's a great writer.


	8. Hollywood Forever - K. Flay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I used to be so confident_  
>  So sober and awake, I never thought to act  
> Devoted and ashamed, wanted to call my ex  
> To hear him say my name over the phone to me   
>  [Hollywood Forever - KFlay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrGLxYiSnLA)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to HerSistersKeeper for all the encouragement, beta reading and for all the What'sApp convos. 
> 
> I hope this was worth waiting for! I am back at work again, but I am finding time to write on my phone. I love all of you. Thanks for sticking with me.

Rey spent the rest of the party at the table, nursing her glass of whiskey and watching Leia work the room. Leia proved that women got better with age. She was vibrant and engaging. Watching her, Rey felt worn out and tired. The whiskey wasn’t helping. Instead of giving her a buzz and loosening her up, Rey felt queasy. 

She’d lied to Ben in the bathroom, about being drunk. She was sober when she’d kissed him. Angry and hurt, she had lashed out to try and protect herself. Rey wasn’t really a liar, because she never got herself into situations where she felt like she couldn’t be honest. She was changing and in ways that she wasn’t sure were for the best. 

Off and on, she’d made small talk to various guests who sat at her table for a break to check their phones and to rest their feet. Her favorite so far was a London-based rapper whose name she hadn’t gotten, but had chatted with her about life in Los Angeles. He was from Shoreditch and wasn’t entirely impressed by fame, even after three years in LA.

“So, I’ve got to ask you - why is Kylo Ren staring daggers at us right now? I don’t know the guy, but it looks like he’s ready to make quite the scene.” His brown eyes twinkled at Rey, and he took a long drink from his beer, waiting for Rey’s response.

“It’s a really long story, but it’s because it probably looks like you’re trying to chat me up.” Rey tried not to look in Ben’s direction. She knew that he stood in a tight little knot with his bandmates, drinking large quantities of beer. 

“I thought I was chatting you up. Ouch.” He grinned at Rey and scratched at his ear. 

Rey stilled and looked at her drink; tonight was definitely not her night. 

“It’s really alright, I sort of knew that it was a losing battle. Beautiful women don’t hide in corners drinking whiskey because they’re trying to meet a guy.” His voice was gentle and not at all put out by Rey’s inability to pick up on his interest. 

She was reminded of how she’d missed Ben’s advances at his uncle’s house. They’d sat there on the couch in borrowed pajamas, talking shit and drinking wine. He had clearly tried to make a move then, taking the conversation to a personal place. She’d fucked up his advances then, just as he’d done only minutes before. It felt like hours, years ago. 

Rey laughed bitterly, “No, I am definitely not trying to meet anyone. I’m just waiting for my boss to finish up so we can head home.” There was about one swallow left in her glass, and Rey threw it back, wincing at the burn. 

They chatted for another minute before the stranger excused himself and went back into the throng.  
Rey sat alone with her empty glass, playing with her phone for another hour. In movies, it always seemed romantic to look up and constantly catch someone’s gaze. She now knew that it was embarrassing, to be caught out looking at someone who’d just laughed at her attempts at romance. When Rey caught Ben staring, he didn’t look away or seem embarrassed. He just kept looking, completely unreadable. Just a sphinx in a leather jacket and a keffiyeh. She looked away and bought an hour of unlimited lives on Two Dots; if she looked up again, it would mean losing.

Around midnight, Leia collected Rey, and they left the party out a side door. They didn’t offer Ben a ride. She and Leia rode home from the event in silence. As they climbed out of the car, Leia pulled Rey into a hug. The older woman chuckled as she let go of Rey, squeezing her hand affectionately. It was the closest they would come to a conversation about Ben for months. Rey set up a filter on her Gmail and tried to forget that anything had ever happened.

No one, not even Finn or Poe, discussed Ben with Rey. It was like everyone forgot that Ben and Rey had ever even met. She suspected that there was some sort of group text advising everyone to give Rey space. 

It became even more obvious when Rey came home from an impromptu dinner at Jyn and Cassian’s on a Saturday night two months later. They’d lingered over a massive dinner with wine pairings and a ridiculous card game that Jyn taught Cassian while at a terribly boring post. Rey hadn’t questioned the invitation, simply happy that she had found two more people she could be unguarded with. 

She had gotten a stack of paperwork from Jyn for Leia to sign. She came upon a dinner party, Leia was entertaining friends in her massive dining room. It was the beginning of a fundraising campaign, and hearing the happy chatter in the dining room, it sounded fairly successful. 

Rey climbed the stairs and entered Leia’s office. As usual, it was immaculate and tastefully decorated in shades of white. Setting the files in Leia’s “in” tray, she left a post-it note directing Leia to sign the files for Jyn. With that done, Rey turned around to see Ben hovering in the doorway, obviously not expecting to see Rey.

“Sorry, I just went to charge my phone and saw the light on. Just came to check.” Jis hair was longer, and he looked wan, tired. Something had changed with Ben, and it did not suit him at all. 

Rey shrugged. “Well, I work here, so it’s fine. You can head back downstairs. I just had some papers from Jyn to drop off.” She shuffled her feet, trying to figure out how to get out of Leia’s office without having Ben in her personal space. The shame and humiliation of that night was flooding back, as if she was still in that bathroom, trying not to feel stupid. It had felt so obvious - the songs, the flirtation and the trip out to Big Sur. She gritted her teeth and walked to the door, trying to figure out how to make a graceful exit without actually touching him.  
“I wish I’d kissed you back when I had the chance.” Ben’s voice was soft and sounded tired. 

Rey had to be drunk, because there was no way that this was actually happening. She could not look at Ben, because she didn’t want to believe that after two months, this was happening. Her guard had been totally down - she was in a pretty dress, having dressed up for Jyn and Cassian. She felt naked, longing for her big boots and her favorite tan jacket - her armor. 

“Why didn't you?” Rey couldn't believe that Ben had actually spoken out loud. Of course she had not done the smart thing and pretended she hadn't heard it, but instead chose to respond. Idiot. She was an idiot who clearly loved emotional pain. Rey stared at a smudge on the wall, where someone had touched the paint. If she looked at him, Rey didn’t know what she would see. She didn't know how she would react either.

“I was in shock, because I didn't think that you would be that honest about it. You’d been so cagey and seemed so embarrassed by it all that I thought it was one-sided.” Ben reached out and put his hand on Rey’s forearm. He was tentative, afraid of scaring her off. 

Flustered, Rey didn’t know what to do other than simply tip her face up and reply, “Just one kiss. Then I need to go.” 

Needing little encouragement, Ben brushed his lips against Rey’s. 

Without thinking, Rey opened her mouth and felt something like relief as the kiss deepened. Rey pulled Ben closer and found herself walking backwards until she hit the wall behind her. She might have actually sighed into Ben’s mouth, which was so weird. This needed to stop, and yet Rey couldn’t pull away.

She had said only one kiss, but that cause was clearly lost the moment that Rey opened her mouth to deepen the kiss. 

Ben kissed the side of her neck, breathing hard, and clutching at Rey’s sides. 

She pushed herself up onto her toes, trying to get closer to him. “Five minutes, just five minutes,” Rey murmured into Ben’s neck. Her mind went blissfully blank as Ben’s hand snaked up into her skirt. 

He muttered something sharp and guttural sounding when he found that she was wet. If she’d been in her right mind, Rey would be embarrassed, but Ben’s fingers directly on her clit made thinking incredibly difficult. Time slipped away from her, and Rey found herself coming. Ben had been whispering unintelligible obscenities into her ear as they pressed against each other, desperate for friction and more contact. 

She buried her face in Ben’s shoulder as she came with a shudder. Rey found herself laughing and tearing up. It had been at least 10 months since she’d last had sex or anything close to a hook-up. She’d never cried after sex of any kind before, and it made this entire encounter more strange than she wanted it to be. Rey laughed at herself, her tears and her fantastic lack of judgement. 

Ben heard Rey’s laughter and sniffles and pulled away from her. “Hey, are you okay?” He ducked down, trying to catch her eye, but Rey looked down, trying to untangle her limbs from Ben’s. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. I just haven’t had sex in, like, probably a year? So this was just a lot. Sorry, I don’t normally cry after I come. Apparently, I was pretty repressed.” Rey extricated herself from between the wall and Ben, smoothing down her skirt. 

Ben tipped her chin up, forcing Rey to look at him. “I’m glad I got to make you feel good, then.” 

She nodded dumbly before turning around and clattering down the stairs like a noisy teenager, the sort of noisy teenager Ben had probably been when he’d lived here. Rey heard a sink running and wondered if Ben was having a conversation with himself in the bathroom mirror. 

Once inside her apartment, Rey let herself laugh and cry until she fell asleep.


	9. Vampire Heart - Tom McRae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just because we're in love, doesn't make it a good idea. 
> 
> And I wonder  
> While we count the cost  
> Which is sweeter  
> Love or it's loss
> 
> [Tom McRae - Vampire Heart](https://open.spotify.com/track/0EOMn5osZ22KVbN1BooC8j?si=QiBtUScHRoCTrJgbC-nyhA)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my writing partner HerSistersKeeper. I adore you. I also made a small reference to a line from [ Interstellar Transmissions](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5496170) at the end. It shattered me, and it was glorious. 
> 
> Also, all of you need to go admire this amazing [English Girls, Approximately aesthetic by KyloCatQueen](https://kylocatqueen.tumblr.com/post/163863369598/kylocatqueen-english-girls-approximately-for). How cool is that?! Ahhh. 
> 
> I love every single person who has read, commented or left me kudos on this story. I've been recovering from a concussion, so it's been awhile since I could properly write or work. If I didn't reply to your comment - I am SO SORRY. You guys have been amazing, and thank you for bringing so much joy into my life. xoxo.

Almost is the most bitter word in the English language. Rey was content to think of Ben as an almost until their encounter in the hallway. A brush with something that might have been. A funny story to tell friends when she’s older and distanced from the drama. 

The problem was that now she knew exactly what she’d missed, and it made her bitter. Her traitorous brain replayed the scene in her dreams and during quiet moments. So many times, Rey would wake up, pulse thumping and certain that her dreams were real. It seemed so obvious that if you cry after being with someone, it’s not a good idea. Ben’s silence seemed to agree with her; he hadn’t sent a single email. 

She’d broken down and checked the folder where her Gmail was programmed to send anything from Ben. It was empty. So was her trash folder, spam folder, and it was obvious that Rey had been waiting for a message that would never come. 

Out of everyone, Rey had considered talking to Jyn about it, and the thought came back to her as they squatted in Jyn’s garage checking the pressure on the tires of their bikes before a long ride. Inside, they could hear Cassian singing along with the radio. 

She didn’t even say anything, just sat there on her haunches and replayed that moment of relief. 

Jyn reached out and touched Rey’s arm, her eyes understanding and more than a little sad. “Whatever it is, you’re still my friend. I won’t judge you.” 

It was too much, and Rey’s eyes unexpectedly filled with tears, which made her cry even harder because she didn’t know why she was crying. Jyn let her cry until she started laughing at herself, until the sound became bitter. 

The older woman pulled Rey away from her shoulder, holding her at arm’s length. “What has you so twisted up inside?” Jyn had been through some shit in her life, and if anyone would understand, it was probably her. 

According to office gossip, it took Jyn and Cassian both getting shot, then nearly bleeding out in an elevator for them to do anything about their feelings. Rey was poorly adjusted with attachment issues, but not that bad. 

“I know that you know about the songs. So, when I finally decided to say something, well. It didn’t work out; it was kind of a disaster. I am fine about it, until I am not fine because something reminded me of it. I just... I don’t know. It’s so dumb; we were never anything. Nothing ever really happened.” Rey sighed and fought the urge to rub at her face with her very dirty hands. 

Jyn nodded “You feel like something happened because you took a risk and it hurt. Your brain is telling you that it’s just hurt feelings and to quit being a baby? I wish I could tell you what to do about that, but I have never been good at reconciling my head and my heart. I am either all one or the other. I think that’s true of you too. There’s no halfway in anything.” 

It was going to be fine, until Phasma called the next weekend. Jyn’s words had buoyed Rey, and she’d found herself laughing riotously as they rode back from Joshua Tree the next Saturday, gleefully chasing the setting sun towards the Pacific. 

Rey had actually turned on the Bluetooth in her helmet, allowing her, Jyn and Cassian to call each other and coordinate breaks or side trips. Her phone rang, and Rey was expecting to hear Jyn’s voice on the other end of the call. 

“Rey Niima? This is Phasma Rees. I work with Kylo Ren. Leia gave me your number.” The stranger's voice on the other end of the phone had a crisp English accent and the unmistakable air of authority. 

“Yes, this is Rey Niima. Can you hold, please?” Rey sighed and mentally shook herself as she turned off the freeway and onto the shoulder. 

“Hi, Phasma. This is Rey Niima, how can I help you?” It was difficult keeping her voice level and professional as the voice on the other end explained that Kylo Ren was due to have a show, but he was on a bender and drunkenly refused to anything unless someone “got the girl.” Rey would be paid a day’s salary for showing up and helping Phasma herd Kylo. 

She dumbly agreed and found herself text messaging Jyn an apology for cutting their ride short. Jyn would understand why she didn't call. Rey didn't have the right words to explain why she needed to go. 

Rey didn't know what to think about Phasma referring to Ben by his stage name. She'd read the articles, about the sneering, egotistical and destructive Kylo Ren, but it didn't match with the person that Rey had met months before. When she entered Ben’s house, the warm, happy family vibe of the house’s exterior was disrupted by the chaos inside.

Everything was in shambles, furniture smashed, piles of trash and clothes covering every surface. It was as if a tornado had hosted a Hollywood rager and hadn't cleaned up after. Her face was clearly disgusted and upset as Phasma steered Rey through the ruined first floor to Ben’s bedroom.

“He’s best when he’s working, and the label turned down his latest album, some pieces he’d recorded on his own without the Knights of Ren.” Phasma shrugged and worried at her lower lip. “Kylo’s drug of choice is working. If he's not recording or touring, he lives at the bottom of a bottle of some kind.” The older woman was matter-of-fact and seemingly unbothered by the obviously extreme way that Ben lived when he wasn't working.

“He needs a 9 to 5 gig composing or something before he kills himself. I’ve gotten a couple of people interested in him for scoring their projects, but Snoke rejected his solo work. It's been a mess for about two months, so I got him a couple local shows with the Knights to dry him out. I just need you to coax him into the car, get him onstage for his sound check, and then get him back for his show.” Phasma shrugged, as if she didn't know or care why Rey was the person who could get Kylo Ren to fulfill his professional engagements. 

Unsure of what to say, Rey nodded mutely and stood quietly with her hands clasped in front of her. It was clear that despite whatever impression Phasma had, Rey did not know Ben at all. She tried to imagine the man with the half smile who laughed when she’d bitten his finger. People contained multitudes and were complex, but Rey wasn't prepared for this from Ben. 

“Kylo? It's Phasma. Rey’s here to see you before the show.” Phasma balled her hand into a fist and hammered against Ben’s bedroom door. The loud music that had been playing at top volume was shut off and someone was moving around. Phasma banged on the door again. “Come on, Kylo, Rey is here. You told me to call her.”

A bedraggled Ben appeared. He stank of alcohol, and the bedroom reeked of old vomit. 

Rey fought to keep her face straight; she was a sympathetic puker. Just thinking about someone getting sick made her want to get sick herself. She’d been a lot of fun in undergrad.

Ben’s eyes were puffy and swollen; he was obviously still drunk, but he broke into in a grin as he recognized Rey. “You’re here. I'm glad you came. I'm sorry I made you cry. I keep thinking about that. I can't stop thinking about that.” He was babbling, slurring and leaning against the doorframe, clearly too drunk to stand. 

Phasma used the awkward silence that came after to usher Ben back into the bedroom and into the ensuite. 

Rey trailed behind them, wrinkling her nose at the smell emanating from a trash can Ben had clearly thrown up in, dozens of discarded bottles, and the dirty clothes thrown everywhere.Outside the bathroom, Rey pulled out her phone and tapped out a text message to the cleaning service that Jyn had used months before to clean up after Ben while Rey picked him up in Los Feliz. It seemed ages ago, years in the past, when it was only maybe six months earlier. Rey had been in LA for a year, but it was like she'd always been here with her friends. 

She thought about their day trip to Joshua Tree, snapping photos of Jyn and Cassian with her phone as they stared out into the desert, sweat dripping down their backs. Rey had been so happy, and now, she was so unhappy, dying to go home. The cleaner promptly replied to Rey’s text, confirming that they'd be over to clean up in an hour. 

Looking up, Rey saw the reflection of Phasma clinically helping the still drunk Ben undress. He staggered while trying to take off his pajama pants, making Phasma sigh and choke down a dark laugh. Phasma steadied Ben and helped him pull off his t-shirt. 

Rey looked away before she could see more than a flash of Ben’s stomach. 

He didn't deserve someone as patient as Phasma. She wondered why the woman put up with Ben’s antics. Rey opened Two Dots and didn't look up until Phasma gently pulled Ben out of the bathroom, dressed but still damp from his shower. 

Ben leaned against the doorway opposite Rey and gave her a lazy smile that was unfamiliar to her. “I’m glad you're here. I didn't want to call you. I couldn't call you. I’m a fuck up, and I made you cry.” His voice was soft, full of regret and sadness. 

Her stomach lurched, thinking about how he’d made her come and cry in the same moment weeks before. Rey wanted to flee, but she’d promised to help Phasma.

“It’s fine, Ben, I understand. I have my own problems, and me crying, that wasn't about you. Not really.” She shrugged off his apology, trying way too hard to be casual. 

Together, they herded Ben into Phasma’s Escalade, a silver shade that oddly complemented the tall blonde’s hair. Once Ben was buckled into the backseat, Rey shut the car door and turned to Phasma. “I'll follow you guys to the venue. I rode my bike here.” She gestured to her bike and saw a look of disbelief cross Phasma’s face.

“Jesus Christ, you ride a motorcycle too? God, no wonder he’s so fucked up over you.” Sensing the protest that Rey was about to make, Phasma held up her hands in defense. “I am not blaming you because Kylo is a landmine of a human being. He wrote almost 80 songs for this record, the one that Snoke refused, even though it was amazing. Meeting you, I know that they're all about you. I don't envy you, being loved by someone like him.” She smiled kindly at Rey, trying to soften her words. It was clear that Rey was not the only person overwhelmed and unimpressed by Ben. Phasma, while fond of Ben, wasn't enabling or excusing his behavior. 

Rey nodded dumbly at Phasma and walked back to her bike, numbness slipping over her entire body. 

The Airliner was a straight shot from Malibu, and Rey was grateful that the ride was both easy and fairly long, thanks to the Saturday afternoon traffic in the city. For an hour, disjointed thoughts tumbled through Rey’s brain like a washer that was out of balance. She kept hearing Phasma say, I don't envy you, being loved by someone like him.

Ben loved her, even though they were barely acquainted. A weekend and a hook-up against a wall couldn't be enough for someone to fall in love. At least, she didn’t think so. Rey didn't know. She'd never been in love, but she was certain that whatever she felt about Ben was more embarrassment than romantic. 

She parked her bike next to Phasma's Escalade and wordlessly guided the slowly sobering Ben inside as the other woman retrieved his instrument cases from the back of the car. Rey tried to ignore the shiver that ran up her spine as Ben threaded his fingers through hers, giving her a glassy-eyed smile. 

They set him up backstage with the rest of the band, who were all dressed like Ben in dark jeans and t-shirts. Not a single one of them seemed surprised by his drunken state, or by Rey’s appearance. 

A soft spoken woman with inky black hair and impressively shaped eyebrows helped Ben onto a grimy leather couch. Once Ben was settled, Rey dithered on the spot, unsure what to do as Phasma hadn't found her way backstage.

“I’m Rey Niima. Thanks for helping me with him,” Rey said uncertainly, assessing the strangers around her. 

“I know who you are, Rey, believe me. We heard the record, you know? I appreciate you coming.” The woman who settled Ben on the couch stuck out a delicate hand. “I’m Bazine Netal. Thanks for coming and getting his highness here. He’s an asshole and a drunk, but Kylo’s ours.” The band murmured in agreement, and Bazine smiled again. “We gotta do our sound check now that he’s here. Enjoy the show.” 

Rey left Ben with his friends, blindly making her way to the bar. It was just a lot. She didn't know Bazine at all, and Ben had never mentioned her. But she knew Rey? Apparently everyone but her had heard the record. She doubted that listening to it would make her feel any better.

At the bar, Rey nursed a neat glass of whiskey as she watched the Knights of Ren do their sound check. Ben was still tipsy, drinking black coffee from a styrofoam cup in between adjustments to the soundboard. It was hard to look away from him hunched over his guitar, or laughing with the band as a wild screech ripped through the speakers because someone had “fucked up the levels” according to Bazine’s angry shout. Ben didn't look out into the darkness for Rey. He never showed a flicker of interest as to who was out there, just out of sight in the shadows. 

The crowd trickled in slowly, and Rey was afraid that she'd be out of place in her leather jacket and boots, but her biker attire seemed to blend with the punk crowd that followed the Knights of Ren. Her bartender, a sweet brunette named Bunny, kept Rey’s whiskey tumbler full all night, promising that her motorcycle would be safe out back if she needed to get a ride home. Rey was pretty sure that Phasma had told her to be extra nice, but it was pretty great to have free drinks along with someone to watch her back.

As the opening band played, Rey was tempted to text Finn or Poe about the show. It would be nice to have someone there with her, but then she'd have to explain her situation to someone besides Jyn. Finn and Poe were wonderful, but they made no secret of their dislike of Ben Solo. They'd toned it down after the Game of Thrones incident, but Rey knew that they would want to talk through her feelings. That was something she was entirely unprepared to do. 

The Knights of Ren took the stage and began to play. Rey was shocked by the rage and screams that came out of Ben’s mouth onstage. As the show went on, it was clear that Ben Solo was gone, and Kylo Ren had taken his place. He snarled and stalked around the stage, screaming out the lyrics as the audience screamed along with him. They loved him, and it seemed that Kylo Ren loved them back, despite his snarling presence. 

After three or four songs, the band paused to choke down bottles of water before resuming their set. It was then that Kylo Ren finally acknowledged the crowd.

“Good evening LA, how are my fellow fuck-ups and misfits?” Kylo shouted at the crowd, who roared their approval back. “It's nice to see you again, and know that you’ll never let me down, because I don’t expect shit from you. Got it?”

According to Bunny, the Knights of Ren had an hour long set, along with at least one encore. Rey wasn't sure if her ears could take the noise, but she didn't want to leave; the energy of the crowd was infectious. Every fan was completely engaged with the show, singing along at incredibly loud levels, jumping and thrashing around with the band. It was clear that Kylo Ren loved every second of being onstage and unleashing his inner demons. 

Rey couldn't help but feel that Kylo Ren was someone entirely different from Ben Solo. His dark twin.

Their set finished, and the Knights of Ren played their encore with a frenetic energy that exhausted Rey just watching them. Even after they departed, the crowd cheered and screamed until Kylo Ren slouched back onstage, a dark grin on his face. “What the fuck, guys? Have you not had enough of us?”

The crowd screamed in response and was immediately quieted as Kylo held up his hand to silence them. “Greedy bastards, fine. What do you want to hear? It's just me, so you're going to have to settle for something acoustic. You wore us out.” 

Phasma slipped onstage and handed him an acoustic guitar that he accepted with a grin and a nod. There was a cacophony of shouts, none of them intelligible. 

Shrugging, Kylo plugged in his guitar and stared at the crowd. “Okay, I didn't catch any of that because I'm still a little fucked up from earlier.” He chuckled and said, “It’s hard work being depressed, you know? I have a lot of shit to drink and a lot of songs to write.” 

Rey accepted her second glass of whiskey from Bunny and rolled it between her hands, trying to decide if she should drink it. Hearing Kylo’s banter, Rey froze at his mention of being depressed and drunk from earlier. Deep down, Rey knew that she wasn't responsible for his binges, but it was hard to ignore those knee-jerk feelings of guilt. She drank deeply from her glass and decided to call a car after. 

Out of the din, someone clearly shouted, “Play ‘English Girls.’ Play your new shit!” 

She turned to watch Kylo’s face as his expression darkened, and the playful scowl took on an edge. 

“If I play that song, it's all you’re getting. Jesus. Are you sure you don't want my heart on a plate? Fuck.” He smiled sardonically and strummed the opening chords. “This is ‘English Girls,’ and everyone who wants to hear this song can get fucked, okay?”

Rey drained the glass and everything took on a dreamy, fuzzy quality. She quirked an eyebrow at Bunny. “I need tequila.” 

Bunny frowned, processing Rey's request and pouring her a shot of tequila, setting it on the bar with a wedge of lime. 

Hearing the song in person was like having her heart ripped out. The entire show, Rey had seen Kylo Ren, and now it was only Ben up there in the spotlight singing about her. His voice was painfully soft. _“You meant everything, you meant everything.”_

She downed the shot and watched the silent, still crowd listen to her song, letting the final chord ring out. Rey didn't look up; she just stared at the top of the bar and tried to disappear. It didn't work.

“Shit, I need a drink. You guys just got me in a lot of trouble, you know that?” The crowd laughed, and Rey looked up to see Bazine walk across the stage with a bottle of beer in her hand. She handed it to Kylo and swatted him on the shoulder playfully. He grinned and looked out at the crowd. “That's the first and only time Bazine has ever brought me a drink. Have a good night, you crazy fucks. We’ll be back.” The lights shut off, and the cheering crowd began to stream out of the exits.

Rey sat at the bar, her head fuzzy from the whiskey and tequila. Distantly, Rey heard someone call her name. She turned to see Phasma. 

“Rey, he wants to see you.” Phasma looked tired and like this was the last thing she wanted to be doing. Rey couldn't blame her.

“Okay, but can you call me a car? I've had a lot to drink, but Bunny said my bike is fine here until tomorrow.” Rey spoke slowly, making sure that her speech wasn't slurred.

Phasma groaned. Yeah, that's fine. Ben’s place is too trashed; they're still cleaning it. He is heading back with you, so you're in for the worst car ride of your life.” 

Rey wished she’d had more to drink.

They trooped backstage where Phasma called a car and whispered something fiercely to Ben, who looked more tipsy than drunk. He looked at Rey, giving her a sidelong glance before nodding to Phasma. “Fine, I got it.” 

She continued to lean against the wall by the fire exit until Phasma came over, gently taking her by the elbow and guiding her into the backseat of a large SUV. Ben followed behind her, and Rey was only vaguely aware of the flashes that went off as she climbed in the car. She closed her eyes and fell asleep before the engine even started.

Someone shook her awake, and Rey realized that her mouth was dry and that she was pretty drunk. Next to her sat Ben, slightly sweaty and smelly from his earlier show. Rey remembered the final song and pulled away from Ben’s touch, realizing they’d made it to Leia's house. 

Without a word, Rey climbed out of the car and headed to her apartment in the back, dimly aware that Ben was behind her. She fumbled with her keys and unlocked the door before looking back to see Ben standing there.

“Go inside, Ben. Don't do this.” Her speech was a little slurred, and Rey hoped that the quiver in her voice could be blamed on the alcohol. 

He opened his mouth, but Rey cut him off. “Just because we're in love doesn't make it a good idea. We don't even know each other. I am not made for good things, but I am not going to do this. You are a drunk, depressed mess, and I am not much better.” 

She slammed the door and turned the lock, hoping he wouldn’t knock. Rey didn't know if she could turn him away.


	10. This Modern Love - Bloc Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whatever she felt for Ben wouldn't last, and they were so different, opposite in every way. She worked constantly, and was completely disinterested in the kind of life Ben appeared to live. 
> 
> And who was Ben anway? She had pieces of him, aspects that just didn't fit together. Like how they didn't really fit together.

Rey had fallen into bed and asleep without a second thought. For once, she didn't dream, at least not about anything that she could remember. It had been too long since her dreams were not haunted by Ben. 

Without warning, she woke up at 5. Rey hadn't set an alarm; no one had called her. She was just awake for no good reason. Even though she mixed her drinks, Rey hadn't thrown up, which was a miracle. She lay there for hours, watching the shadows move across her bedroom wall and doing her best not to think. 

At some point, her phone beeped. It wasn't Jyn or Leia’s text tone, so she could ignore whoever wanted to talk. She just lay there, trying to sink further into her mattress. If she got up, showered, got dressed and started her day, Rey would have to face the consequences of telling Ben that she loved him while very drunk.

Around 8, Rey padded into her kitchen and grabbed a large bottle of water after her pounding head became too much. Now that she was sober, Rey was less sure of her feelings. Even though she'd dated around, she'd never really been in love. At most, it was all just a fleeting sexual attraction that faded after a few fumbling hook-ups. Whatever she felt for Ben wouldn't last, and they were so different, opposites in every way. She worked constantly and was completely disinterested in the kind of life Ben appeared to live. 

And who was Ben, anway? She had pieces of him, aspects that just didn't fit together. Like how they didn't really fit together.

She checked her phone and found a text from Jyn. Rey had been so focused on her own thoughts that she hadn't heard Jyn’s text notification. 

_Jyn: Heard that you had quite the night from Phasma and Ben. Ben messaged me earlier and asked me to check on you. That's a first for him. Just so you know. So, here I am, checking on you. I know you're probably really hungover and need to pack for your trip with Leia on Monday. I am picking up your bike and bringing it by around 10. Please let me in when I knock._

Rey sighed and typed out her response. She hoped her “ok” fully communicated how morose and fragile she felt after last night’s binge drinking. Once Jyn came over, she'd settle into the corner of Rey's couch and use her incredibly potent silences to goad her into speaking. What was she supposed to say? “Hey, so a couple of awkward encounters and a couple of songs later, I am apparently in love with Leia’s insane son.” 

That would not work. 

Her head pounded, and she was glad for the distraction. In the depths of her medicine cabinet, Rey found a bottle of painkillers and took a trio of pills, wishing someone would deliver her breakfast. Eating would probably make her throw up, but at least that would distract her from replaying the night before in her head. Ben had looked like she had just slapped him.

It was all so fucked up and messy. Sabine and her teachers had been wonderful, but they didn't prepare her for the claustrophobic, incessant tension of adulthood. Rey had graduated high school, undergrad and graduate school. Who was Rey supposed to be now that she was done?

Sighing, Rey dragged herself into the shower. She didn't want to reek of alcohol and regret when Jyn arrived with her pointed silences (and hopefully breakfast). Standing in the shower, Rey stared at the tile, arranged in neat, geometric patterns. It reminded her of trips that she and Sabine took to Alhambra and Sevilla as a teenager. Her guardian guided her through the labyrinthine hallways and courtyards of the medieval caliphs. Each room was more dazzlingly beautiful than the last. Each tile design, carving, and seemingly unimportant piece of decoration contained deep meaning for those who had once lived there.

Rey had wished for a life where everything held meaning and was created with care. Right now, she didn't have much meaning or even reason in her life. The tile in her shower was just tile. Designed to be pretty. She told people that she loved them without a second thought, where was she going and what was she doing? The hot water ran out, and Rey was left naked and alone, shivering in her shower. It was fitting, for the moment.

After dressing and drying her hair, Rey found her suitcase and dumped various outfits inside. It was a shitty packing job, but Rey was too tired to think. She and Leia were traveling to Japan for a youth summit in Kyoto sponsored by her organization. It would be Rey's first time in Japan, but it was hard for her to summon any level of excitement for the trip. There was a soft knock on her front door, and Rey made a face at the pile of clothing in her suitcase. Hopefully, Jyn had brought breakfast. Rey flung open her front door and found Ben Solo, slightly hungover, carrying two cups of coffee and a paper bag.

“Jyn brought you breakfast and dropped off your bike.” Ben gestured with his chin towards Rey's bike that sat in the driveway, the engine cooling off. 

Rey sighed; of course Jyn would do this to her. She knew from their conversation in the garage that Rey was confused and upset about Ben. So confused and upset that she’d decided to deal with it by trying to drown it all out with alcohol. 

She took a cup of coffee and made to shut the front door, but Ben stuck his foot inside the doorjamb. Rey groaned, and Ben smiled crookedly at her. 

“Jyn said for me to tell you that she's always right. Also? You kind of told me that you loved me last night. We’re going to talk about that.” 

Wordlessly, Rey turned around, walked back to her bedroom and crawled into bed. This was not happening. She pulled the covers over her head and hoped that Ben would leave her her breakfast before going back to the main house. Instead, she heard her front door close and the lock click.

After couple of minutes, Rey heard someone enter her bedroom and sit on her bed next to her. In response, she burrowed deeper into her blankets and rolled onto her side, her back to Ben. 

“Rey?” Ben’s voice was soft and coaxing as he moved closer to her, taking the bold step of climbing under her covers. “Rey? Are you okay?” 

He was so close that Rey could feel his breath tickle the back of her neck. Ben’s closeness somehow compelled her to answer, speaking without thinking it through first. “Nope. I'm not okay. I am hungover and confused. The one person that I really want to see and also never want to see again just crawled into bed with me.” Her voice sounded defeated and strained. 

Rey felt Ben shift next to her, then felt a hand rest on her back, just for a moment, before Ben began to rub her back in circular patterns with the flat of his hand. 

He just hummed in response, continuing to rub soothing patterns on her back. 

Rey felt the tension in her body begin to leech from her body for the first time since she took Phasma’s call the day before. “I don't know you. I don't even know myself anymore.” Rey’s voice cracked a little. “Who are you? Are you Ben, who seems so sweet and writes me songs? Are you Kylo Ren, who's kind of scary and arrogant? Are you the guy who drinks when he's alone for too long and starts to feel too much? That trashes studios and houses?” 

Ben paused for a moment, letting out a deep sigh before continuing to rub Rey’s back. “I am all of those things. I'm a mess too. I just… I like who I get to be with you. I like who you are when you're with me.” 

“Who do you think I am?” Rey tried not to sound pathetic or hopeful, but knew that she was failing horribly.

Ben chuckled. “You knocked me out the second I met you. Everyone normally just does what I want because I’m famous, or because I'm an asshole. You don't give a shit - there's no pretense. You're just yourself.” 

“I don't know who that is anymore. I don't know if I ever really knew. Maybe I'm just as fucked up as you.” Rey sighed and closed her eyes, willing everything to just stop. If things just stopped, maybe she could breathe and figure out what she was doing, where she belonged. 

Ben sucked in a breath and held it for a moment before responding. “That's pretty unfair. I haven't seen you be fucked up at all.” 

Rey grunted, a noise she hoped conveyed her level of strong disagreement. Between Ben’s body heat and him rubbing her back, Rey was feeling so sleepy and was definitely going to fall asleep again. It was an incredibly bad idea - she really needed to finish packing for her trip. Leia was all packed, but she really needed to see if she’d packed underwear.

“Go to sleep, Rey. I set an alarm,” a voice whispered from outside the darkness of sleep. 

Rey muttered in response, snuggling into the warmth that surrounded her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that it has been so long in between updates. My life is currently garbage, but I am getting through it. Special thanks to Hersisterskeeper and the Reylo Squad. I love y'all. This chapter is dedicated to everyone who has been waiting for this update. Thank you so much for being so wonderful. 
> 
> Please feel free to message me on [Tumblr](http://pythiaspeaks.tumblr.com)


	11. Crowd Surf Off a Cliff - Emily Haines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A part of her was dancing with joy at waking up with the person that she had wanted so badly for months. Ben Solo or Kylo Ren, whatever he was calling himself would definitely break her heart. Mistakes were the best teacher, but Rey wasn’t entirely sure that she wanted to learn whatever Ben was teaching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the love in the world to Hersisterskeeper for being the best beta and writing partner ever. 
> 
> I hope you guys like this one. Please let me know what you think! Every kudo and comment really does help me keep going. Thank you to everyone who has commented and liked this story.

There was someone asleep next to Rey. She’d woken up overheated, dehydrated and next to someone. Ben had stayed with her, rubbing circles on her back until they both fell asleep.

Fuck. Fuck.

According to her watch, it was only noon. She had hours to pack and get ready for tomorrow’s trip to Kyoto. Rey tried to quiet her breathing and fall back asleep. Maybe Ben would wake up before her and leave; then they’d never have to talk. Maybe she’d fall into a coma and avoid reality all together.

“Stop thinking so loudly, Rey,” Ben mumbled into her shoulder. He sounded half asleep and made tired noises as he burrowed further into her bed, putting an arm around her waist.

Rey froze, and all thought disappeared from her brain. Ben had just cuddled in closer to her, like they were a settled thing. She’d never slept over at anyone’s house like this in college or graduate school. It made her feel terrified and safe all at once.

“Seriously, Rey, go back to sleep. I am taking you out to dinner later, and I am not going to do that with only four hours of sleep.” He kissed her shoulder, an affectionate gesture that made Rey want to scream in frustration and draw closer to Ben. 

She closed her eyes. “I’m not going on a date with you. I’m just going to sleep. You just happen to be here.” It warm and safe. Fuck. She felt warm and safe with Ben Solo. Stick to the plan, go to sleep, and he’ll be gone when you wake up.

“Sure, Rey.” There was another kiss on her shoulder before she fell asleep for a second time.

Rey woke up with someone wrapped around her, chin tucked into her shoulder. Ben. Her plan had failed, and he was still here, fast asleep with a ridiculous erection poking her right in the ass. A part of her was dancing with joy at waking up with the person that she had wanted so badly for months. There was also the realistic part of her that knew Ben Solo was a human disaster. A landmine of a man, according to his close friend Phasma. Did Rey want to try and disarm that landmine or just keep going with her life as it was? Sure, she was horny and lonely, but neither feeling would break her heart. Ben Solo or Kylo Ren, whatever he was calling himself, would definitely break her heart. Mistakes were the best teacher, but Rey wasn’t sure that she wanted to learn whatever Ben was teaching. 

His grip around her waist was like an iron band holding Rey in place. She wiggled a little trying to get free, but all it did was press her ass against Ben’s erection. If she wanted to get out of bed, Rey was going to have to wake Ben up and talk with him. About feelings and expectations. Laying in bed until she starved to death seemed like a pretty fantastic option. Why hadn’t she just taken the coffee and told Ben to go away? 

Because you’re lonely. That’s why. The little voice inside her head reminded Rey how she felt when it was just the two of them. When she listened to the songs that he recorded and wrote for her. Ben sang Taylor Swift because she liked her songs. 

Rey wasn’t stupid - she knew that getting into a relationship with someone like Ben while she was so lonely was a terrible idea. 

Staring at the wall, Rey knew that she needed to say something right now. Embrace whatever pain was coming her way. Feel it and move on. Leia was taking her to Japan for the next 15 days, and that was plenty of time to lick her wounds before coming back to LA. Pushing against Ben’s arm, Rey managed to wiggle free of him and sit up. 

Letting out a little moan and still half-asleep, Ben blinked his eyes open. “Is everything okay, Rey?” His dark eyes searched her face, trying to figure out what was going on. 

“Over all these months, why did you never call me? You just emailed me and never asked for a response. Everything that’s happened has been on your terms. You’ve never asked me how I feel - unless you want to count when you followed me into the bathroom. Everyone knows how you feel about me, except for me. I am the one person who should fucking know what is going on with you. I honestly spent about two months thinking that I’d just imagined everything and that any sort of attraction that you felt for me was just, like, some weird artist thing. That it was over after we argued. You spent the whole night glaring at me and then didn’t speak to me until we made out upstairs. God, it was like you’d gotten your songs and moved on.” Rey caught her breath and looked over at Ben, his hair tangled, his eyes slightly swollen from his hangover. 

There was no mistaking the feelings that were crossing his face: sadness, anger and resignation. Ben looked at her like she’d broken his heart. He bit his lip, obviously considering what he wanted to say. 

Somehow, that just made her even angrier, and it was like every thought she’d ever had about Ben Solo had to be shared right at that moment. Rey had finally decided to let herself deal with her feelings about Ben, and the primary emotions that she felt towards him were anger and exhaustion. A truly romantic combination. 

“I don’t actually know what you want from me. Do you want me to be your friend? Your girlfriend? Partner in crime? You’re doing things that I can’t stand by and watch you do. Your house was completely destroyed. Phasma told me that you’re always doing that - going on a bender and fucking everything up around you like you’re a hurricane. Jyn and Poe are always handling the messes that you make, and they just laugh it off like, ‘that’s Ben for you.’” Rey shook her head and stared at the constellation of freckles and moles along Ben’s neck, remembering the one time she was able to kiss them, to taste his skin. She’d been far more serious about Ben than she’d really been prepared for. Those kisses sat in her, sour and grief-filled. Why couldn’t Rey have something with Ben that wasn’t tainted with grief? 

“I can’t laugh it off, Ben, because I care about you. I don’t want to get destroyed. I don’t want to be around someone who just flies off the handle like that when shit doesn’t go down the way he wants. If your record company doesn’t want your new music, why not just take it somewhere else? What did you accomplish by going on a bender and nearly missing your show last night? Sure, you got to see me, but you literally drove me to drink in the process.” Her words came out like a bitter flood; she was so tired and sad about whatever they’d been doing for the last six months. 

“What do you want me to say, Rey?” Ben looked at her, grief-stricken and clearly hurt. 

Rey began to laugh because she’d just posed a million different questions to Ben, and it was like he’d only heard her angry, defeated tone. For someone who could write such expressive music, Ben didn’t really know how to express himself when it really came down to it. 

“I want you to answer any of the questions that I just asked you. I don’t think you really heard me because I don’t think you were really listening. You just know that I’m unhappy, but not why I’m unhappy. Fuck.” Rey rubbed her face with her hands. 

“Here’s my problem, Ben - you have absolutely no middle ground. You are one extreme or another. I don’t live that way, and I won’t live that way, even for you. That’s what I meant last night when I said that just because we’re in love doesn’t make it a good idea. I won’t change for you, and you won’t change for anyone.” Rey remembered all the hushed phone calls that Jyn had taken in her first few months working with Leia. 

Jyn would curse up a storm and then send someone to pick up Ben, let contractors and cleaners into the places he destroyed. Ben hadn’t changed even a little. He didn’t see how his behavior affected people’s lives’ it was like Ben could only see his own life and his own pain.

“Please, Rey don’t do this. We haven’t even started anything, and you’re already leaving me.” Ben’s voice was quiet and sad; there was no trace of the angry Kylo Ren from the night before. Ben Solo sat in her bed, barely awake from a nap, and she’d just broken his heart. 

“We haven’t started anything because you never really put your hand out. You never really told me what you wanted. We had one row in the bathroom after you rejected me, don’t want to forget that part, and then we didn’t talk for two goddamn months. Apparently, you spent that time drinking and writing morose songs about me. That is completely ridiculous when you could have just talked to me like a normal human.” Rey looked over at Ben, who hadn’t looked away from her. He looked completely heartbroken. He hadn’t expected this reaction. 

Ben hadn’t been paying attention to who Rey was.  
“I’m going to go. I should go.” Ben stood and picked up his shoes from the foot of Rey’s bed. He didn’t even pause to put them back on, walking out of Rey’s bedroom without a backwards glance. 

“You do that. And when you figure out whatever it is that’s been happening here - please fill me in. I don’t want to hear about it from everyone else that you talked to instead of me. Pick up a fucking phone, Ben,” Rey snapped before sliding back under the covers, pulling them over her head and waiting for Ben to leave so she could cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit me on [Tumblr](http://pythiaspeaks.tumblr.com)


	12. Why Do They Leave? - Ryan Adams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey felt empty and wrung out. The rest of the day passed quickly, it felt like she was inside a time-lapse film. Everything had a surreal, dream-like quality to it. It was probably a bad sign that every interaction with Ben Solo left Rey wondering if it’d really happened. How did she end up in love with a stranger? Why did she tell him that? Why did she just lose all self-control?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Listen to the English Girls, Approximately Playlist on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/pythialistens/playlist/2t5YyTFRiohxjFJJTuhrZ6)
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you to HerSistersKeeper, Bunny, V, and all the Reylos for everything. I fucking love all of you.

Rey felt empty and wrung out. The rest of the day passed so quickly, it felt like she was inside a time-lapse film. Everything had a surreal, dream-like quality to it. It was probably a bad sign that every interaction with Ben Solo left Rey wondering if it’d really happened. How did she end up in love with a stranger? Why did she tell him that? Why did she just lose all self-control around him?

Rey recalled their meeting in the upstairs hallway by Leia’s office. Coming apart while pressed against the wall and then crying after. It was all insane. Healthy, productive and adult relationships didn’t leave people in such a state. She had learned long ago that dramatic relationships made for good entertainment, and little else.

And yet she was still drawn to him, like a compass needle pointing North. What did that say about her as a person?

Somehow, she managed to eat dinner, finish packing, and check over Leia’s luggage before collapsing into bed, falling asleep immediately. No one came to see her, sent text messages or otherwise contacted Rey for the rest of the day. It was like someone had put her life on airplane mode. She didn’t feel lonely or sad about it, just grateful. There were too many jumbled feelings and thoughts inside of her. After that last conversation with Ben, who knew what she was going to say next?

Monday wasn’t much better. Leia had slept badly, and anything she said to Rey was terse and expressed in as few words as possible. So their drive to the airport, check-in, and first few hours of their flight to Tokyo response in silence. It was not an awkward silence, but one that felt soothing to Rey’s raw psyche. 

A flight attendant in a smart, navy blue uniform walked through the first class cabin carrying a basket of warm towels. Rey accepted a towel and smiled as she unfolded it and began to carefully clean the grime off of her hand and fingernails. 

“I love this part of international travel,” Leia confided, and she accepted her own warm towel and started wiping at her own hands. “On an airplane, I can’t take phone calls or do work. I do my best thinking on airplanes.” 

Rey nodded, relieved that Leia seemed to have centered herself and was ready to talk to her. There was a part of her that worried Leia had heard about her confrontation with Ben and was mad at her. Leia wasn’t that sort of person from what Rey could tell, but it wasn’t really about Leia. It was about her own fears of abandonment and loss. 

Leia balled up her warm towel and shoved it into her empty wine glass. She smiled at Rey, her expression warm and friendly. “Don’t look at any work. I saw that you already started a new to-do list with things you think you need to work on during the flight, but you work for an actress and a writer, not the president. Whatever emergencies pop up between now and when we land will still be there tomorrow. If they need us right away, they don’t really need me, they need a good lawyer or a doctor.” 

“Okay.” Rey tried to hold back a sigh of relief as the tension that she’d been totally unaware of flooded from her body. Her shoulders relaxed, her jaw unclenched, and Rey felt like she had taken off a very heavy backpack. 

Leia returned Rey’s smile and patted her hand before pulling out her satin eye mask. “I love Ben. He’s my son, but he’s a complicated mess. Whatever has happened or will happen to him will not change how much I care about you or enjoy having you work with me. I think you’ll find that your problems look different when you have time to really think them over from about 39,000 feet.” With that statement, Leia pulled her eyeshade down and snuggled into her pod to fall asleep.

Rey pushed her own seat back, closed her eyes and began to quiet her mind. There was a lot happening up there: anxiety over Leia’s earlier silence, the things she’d said to Ben. She considered both of those and found that there wasn’t much to think about. Leia wasn’t mad, and it was up to Ben if he wanted to try again. The longer she sat there, eyes closed and systematically working through each of her feelings and thoughts, the more Rey felt at peace. Digging deeper, there were even feelings of worry about Finn and Poe, what would happen when they finally got together. There was a sick feeling of loss; would they leave her behind?

So much of what she felt was fear. Rey was lonelier than she cared to admit. Even moving to Los Angeles and working with her two closest friends didn’t quell that feeling. It was an old fear, and one that was so familiar to her that she didn’t even know it was there until that very moment. Even her parents left her, so what was to keep friends, co-workers or boss from leaving her too? 

Nothing, and that was the entire problem. She wanted so much to connect with people and find a place, but she was so afraid. Her fears were probably the things that kept fucking up all of those relationships, if she was honest. 

Rey wasn’t really feeling honest. That was a conversation that she needed to have another day. Shoving her hands deeper into her jacket pockets, Rey sighed and let herself slowly drift to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's been awhile since I updated English Girls. After more than a decade, I resigned from my job, and I've been having a life crisis over it. So, yeah.
> 
> Please feel free to send me prompts via[Tumblr](http://pythiaspeaks.tumblr.com) and consider reading some of the new fic I've written. My personal favorite is A Small, Dark Light.


	13. Werewolf - Fiona Apple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rewrite of Chapter 13, and the final chapter of this fic.

The time change from Los Angeles to Kyoto left Rey wide awake at odd hours of the night. Exhausted but unable to sleep, she’d taken to wandering around their hotel in her borrowed yukata trying different snacks from the hotel’s impressive vending machines. Rey drank endless bottles of Pocari Sweat, green tea and stared at her mobile phone. After the first sleepless night, she had to admit that she wanted Ben to call. It seemed that his dubious affections did not cross the Pacific. Nothing. Radio silence.

In the small hours of the morning of their third day, and the first day of the conference, Rey discovered Japanese bathtubs were small and ridiculously deep. She’d woken up too early and decided to take a bath. Inside the tiny world of her bath, she considered all of her options. Rey didn’t really like any of them. Floating in the warm water, she could only think of warm, dark eyes and the feeling of Ben’s arm draped around her waist while they slept. Instead of relaxing and falling back asleep, Rey found herself wide awake and furious that her thoughts had meandered back to Ben. 

She remembered the state of his house and how she’d seen Jyn pull him out of legal trouble multiple times over the last year. Ben could be sweet and shy, but he also crushed anything that displeased him for a moment. 

The rest of the day was sort of hazy as she moved between three different meeting rooms and stared at the cherry blossoms in the hotel courtyard between sessions. Fat raindrops fell from the sky into the koi pond, and the wind ripped many of the delicate petals from the tree branches. 

Rey couldn’t help but feel a strange kinship with those battered flowers, tossed around in a suddenly violent spring storm. Too fragile for the elements. Had she always been fragile? Did she suddenly become delicate when she moved to Los Angeles? The answer was clear. She’d become delicate the first time she heard “English Girls”, because Ben had achieved what seemed impossible: he’d understood her.

Leia had gone out to dinner with her friend Amilyn, clearly displeased that Rey wasn’t eating with them. The beautiful lunch that she’d eaten with Leia had soured in her stomach and sat heavy in her chest. Thinking of eating another meal made Rey feel sick, another strange turn of events. She didn’t skip meals, even when sick. 

Rey ended up wandering down to the 7-11 a block away from their hotel, picking up a bag of bath salts and a bottle of cheap sake. She could’ve gone back to the onsen, but she wasn’t up for any company while attempting to drown her sorrows in warm water. No matter what time of day Rey tried go in, the onsen always had at least one other woman soaking. 

Walking back to the hotel, Rey spotted a group of young conference attendees. Among them was Etienne, a guest speaker and protégé of Leia’s friend, Amilyn Holdo. He smiled and waved before moving in the opposite direction of the hotel. Rey sighed in relief as Etienne and his group of friends walked away. They’d become acquainted on Rey’s second sleepless night in Kyoto, when she’d stumbled across him working outside the onsen at a tiny table. He wore a pair of thick, black glasses that somehow made him even more attractive.

Rey had started, not expecting to see anyone up and around the hotel in the dead of night. Racking her brain, she tried to remember the correct Japanese phrase for “excuse me” or “I’m sorry”. 

“Hello, sorry to have startled you. I’m Etienne, Amilyn’s colleague. I’m here for the conference.” Etienne’s smile was friendly, and Rey couldn’t help but be charmed by his friendly blue eyes.

Against her better judgement, Rey chatted for a moment with Etienne. He was very friendly and, like Rey, was very jet lagged. As they made small talk, Etienne mentioned that he had split his childhood between Nice and Kyoto, and was going to take his grandmother to lunch. He seemed so friendly and normal. Strangely, it made her long for her long silences with Ben that were never awkward or pregnant with unspoken thoughts. 

Unsure how to respond, Rey had muttered something about growing up in Spain before making her excuses and leaving. Discussing parents and families was always so complicated. It was even more complicated when it came up when talking to attractive strangers in the dead of night.

After that, Etienne was everywhere. At the coffee counter between sessions. At dinner with Leia, Amilyn, and Rey. He was always so sunny, friendly and open. Etienne also made it clear that he was interested in Rey. 

On her best days, Rey didn’t quite know how to handle a person showing romantic interest in her. Sleep deprived and still emotional from her encounter with Ben, Rey was completely unprepared for Etienne’s polite interest in her. He’d taken the hint and left her alone once it became obvious Rey wasn’t interested. It was somehow worse than how things had ended with Ben. 

Her phone rang, an unusual event as everyone typically sent emails or text messages. It was an L.A. area code, which made Rey’s frown deepen. Who would be calling her? Everyone knew that she was in Kyoto with Leia. 

Hesitantly, she answered the phone on the third ring. “Hello?” 

There was a long pause followed by a deep breath, “Rey? It’s Ben. Please don’t hang up.” Ben sounded tired and sad, which made Rey’s pulse quicken and her temper flare. She pulled the phone away from her ear and flung it straight into the Kamo River. The battered iPhone 5 sailed through the air and hit the water with a splash. 

Rey instantly regretted the loss of her mobile and her dignity.

Behind her, another phone rang, and Rey heard Leia answer it. She groaned; Leia had probably just witnessed one of her lowest points. Rey pinched the bridge of her nose and spun around, praying Leia wouldn’t be there once she turned.

Catching Rey’s eye, Leia pulled a face before smiling sympathetically at her young assistant.

“Ben, you’re my son and I love you. Here’s the thing, Rey just threw her phone into the river... Yes, I think some of your habits have rubbed off on her, and that’s bad for everyone that doesn’t manufacture electronics. I think you need to consider whatever she told you a bit more and talk to her when we’re back home,” Leia said nonchalantly. “I love you. See you in a couple of weeks.” 

Leia hung up and dropped her phone into the large tote that Rey usually carried around for work. “Use my phone until we can get home and buy you a new one.” She smiled warmly at Rey. “I once threw a whole sandwich at Han, Ben’s father. Feelings make fools out of us all.” 

Rey started. Leia had always kept quiet about Ben’s father. As far as Rey knew, Leia was unmarried. She had often wondered about the identity of Ben’s father, but it seemed like a taboo subject. 

“I can’t imagine you throwing anything at anyone,” Rey replied, feeling shy and self-conscious about her outburst. 

“That’s because Ben’s father, Han, lives in New York. We’ve been together for almost 30 years, but our best years have been when we’re apart. We love each other, but we aren’t often good for each other.” Leia shrugged, a soft smile on her lips. “I’m going to the onsen, and then I’m going to Skype Poe so I can see Chewbacca. I’ll see you upstairs.” 

Rey nodded dumbly, taking the tote bag from Leia and shouldering its considerable weight before following her up to their hotel room. 

In the elevator, Rey considered how Leia’s story was so similar to something that Sabine, her guardian, might tell her if Rey called her for advice. 

Sabine was in her late 40s when she’d started an affair with another anthropologist who lived in France. Sabine would meet him a couple times a semester, but eventually left him when he pushed her for more, repeatedly.

Rey had been confused; everything that she’d seen growing up had indicated that being married with children was the goal of every relationship.  
Sabine had laughed heartily when Rey brought the subject up over dinner. They were eating a Galician dish of baby squid on sliced potatoes and bread. 

“Rey, not everyone wants those things. If you can’t be honest with someone you’re dating about what you want, there’s no point in being with them.” Sabine took a sip of her wine and ran her fingers through her blue-streaked hair. “I know when you’re 15 that it seems like relationships should be dramatic, but that gets old quickly. We want different things. I have to do what’s right for me, and it’s okay that it doesn’t match with what he wants. I love Ezra. I wish him well, and I hope that he finds what he’s looking for. No hard feelings.”

_________________

Leia’s phone began to vibrate during the last session of their fourth day. They were breaking for dinner at six, and Rey stepped outside, hoping that it was the restaurant to confirm their reservation. She fumbled through the tote bag, pulled out Leia’s phone and answered with a breathy, “Hello?”

There was a distant grunt on the other end of the phone, and Rey sighed. It was clearly a shitty connection, so she stepped out into the courtyard, hoping that they’d be able to hear her. “Hello? Can you hear me?” No response. 

Rey groaned with disgust and moved to hang up the phone, intending to write down the number to file a report on Leia’s behalf. It wasn’t an unknown number. It was Ben. His name was right there on the screen, and Rey fought the urge to break into hysterical laughter. 

It was about one am in L.A. Ben was probably intoxicated and didn’t realize that he’d just accidentally called his mother. Who didn’t have a passcode on their phone? Rey couldn’t believe this was happening, watching the seconds tick by on their phone call. She shook her head and held the phone back up to her ear. It was just another thing in a long list of things about Ben that made him a mess. A landmine of a human being. 

“Ben? It’s Rey. You accidentally called your mom. Ben? Can you hear me?” She nervously paced the length of the courtyard, watching the koi placidly swim in their pond. There was no response, and Rey wasn’t hanging up. She just kept listening to the white noise of Ben puttering around his house. Things being picked up and being set down on counters, tables. 

It was sort of perfect actually. Ben was entirely wrapped up in his life, totally unaware that he’d accidentally called someone. He’d been the same way when starting his half-hearted pursuit of her, never considering the unevenness of their relationship. Ben was her boss’s son, notoriously unstable and entirely wrapped up in his own pain. Against the odds, Ben forged a connection with her and left her hanging. 

She sighed and hung up the phone. Then for reasons that Rey didn’t care to analyze, she called Ben. 

The line rang once, twice, and Ben picked up just before the third ring. 

“Hello?” His low voice was tired and sounded scratchy as if Ben had been shouting all night. 

“Ben? It’s Rey. You accidentally called your mom’s phone. Put a lock on your phone or something, okay?” her voice was shockingly normal as if she’d always called Ben to talk. Anyone overhearing her end of the conversation would think they were friends or acquaintances. 

“Sorry about that. I just got these new Bluetooth headphones and they keep - fuck. Sorry. You don’t need to know that. I’ll shut off the side button. It’s been such a pain in the ass,” Ben coughed as if to try and clear his throat. 

“No problem. Just making sure you didn’t need Leia for anything. You don’t, right?” Rey watched a fish emerge from the tall water plants in the corner. It was beautiful, a mix of black and white that reminded her of the black and white cookies Leia liked to get from Starbucks. The fish swam in smooth circles moving away from Rey towards the small waterfall. 

“No. I’m fine. Just getting ready for bed. Thanks for calling to check, I guess,” there was a long silence and Rey could feel just how uncomfortable Ben felt. The feeling made her skin itch. 

“Just doing my job. There’s one thing. A song that I think you’d like. It’s called Werewolf, by Fiona Apple. She’s not Taylor Swift, but I think you’d appreciate it. I gotta get back to Leia, but give it a listen. Goodnight.” Rey hung up without letting Ben say goodbye, completely shocked by her telling Ben about a song. 

Why was she spewing verbal diarrhea about Fiona Apple to Ben? She hadn’t been thinking, that song had just popped into her head as if Spotify had just downloaded it into her brain. It didn’t really matter. There was work to do and Ben needed to sort himself out. She’d come to Los Angeles to help Leia Organa save the world, not to save her son. Ben would have to save himself, just like she’d told him. 

Maybe someday, he’d actually do it and find her afterward. Maybe. 

_Nothing wrong when a song ends in a minor key._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to the end of English Girls. 
> 
> I struggled with this ending because well, I didn't want it to be a happy ending. 
> 
> A long time ago, I fell in love with a landmine of a person and it was a lot. More than a decade later, I still think of them. There are so many parallels between them and Kylo Ren that it actually kept me up at night. When I started this story, I wanted to write the cautionary tale that I needed when I was younger. Just because you're in love, doesn't make it a good idea for either person. 
> 
> As this story gained popularity, I struggled with writing this ending because I didn't want to let anyone down. As I read through these chapters trying to find the inspiration to write, the only person that was getting let down by my work was me. I wasn't writing the story that I wanted, but the story that I thought fandom wanted to read. 
> 
> There are a lot of things in this story that I love and that I deeply regret. I really can't thank you enough for reading and commenting on this story. I'm sorry if you don't like the ending. It's the ending that I wanted and needed to write. There are lots of happy endings in my other stories a - they are without a doubt much better and filled with fewer mistakes. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this story and for sticking with me as I learned how to write fiction. 
> 
> Love, [Pythia](http://pythiablogs.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not repost this fic on other websites. If you'd like to see it on another platform, please let me know! 
> 
>  
> 
> [English Girls Approximately Soundtrack on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/pythialistens/playlist/2t5YyTFRiohxjFJJTuhrZ6?si=6aOBx10KS3yehgUDwxHeQA)


End file.
